Brian Boone writes comedy and trivia on the internet and in books, which is like the old timey internet. He shamed his family by losing on Jeopardy.
Stop Body Shaming And Accept Yourself As You Are, Unless You’re James
Hey James, fuck you you disgusting shit. Everyone else, please learn to accept your body as it is!
Which Thought-Reading Prevention Hat Is Right For You?
Nowadays, thankfully, there are many different kinds of hats that prevent thought-theft… too many, in fact.
The Beginner’s Guide To England’s Regional Butthole Slang
Welcome to The Beginner’s Guide, our recurring series where our experts provide everything you need to know about your new endeavor, regardless of what it is. This week, we’ll be taking you through: The Beginner’s Guide To England’s Regional Butthole Slang The United Kingdom is a very small country, but it’s such an old country […]
I Cured My Body Image Issues By Smashing All The Mirrors In My Town
I’ve never been what one would call “conventionally attractive.” I’ve struggled with my weight since I was a kid, and I’m below average, height-wise. Mean classmates (and my parents) called me Grimace. My body image issues got so bad that I loathed and feared looking in the bathroom mirror each day. But I’m proud to say […]
What To Do When You’re Ready To Be Reclaimed By The Sea
It’s a scientific fact that humankind evolved from an ancient ancestor that crawled out of the ocean and onto the shore. It’s also a known fact that all men (and women!) must return to the sea one day and once more live among the fish and dolphins. Traditionally, most people have waited until their seventies or eighties […]
DIY: Your Own Emergency Replacement Organs!
There are few more frightening, serious, and expensive predicaments in life than suddenly needing an organ replacement. Not only do you get to feel like garbage for the months or even years you’re on a waiting list for a new one, but you get the pleasure of a $150,000 hospital bill upon transplant. There’s got to […]
Re-Healthify Your Penis By Cramming It In These Kitchen Gadgets
Hey, you, with the penis. Be honest. Does your penis not work so good anymore? It happens. Stress, medical problems, overuse, and aging take their toll and weaken your love tackle, but there are measures you can take to revive the ol’ pants meat. I’m not talking about pumps or pills—that’s Big Pharma hooey. You […]
Planning the Perfect Ritualistic Maypole Party
If you’re gonna sacrifice a virgin, you better sacrifice a virgin the right way.
How To Tell People You Have Herpes: With A Fresh and Fun ‘Herpes Reveal Party’
Acquiring oral herpes is one of the most exciting periods in life, and one of the most thrilling moments in this very special journey is sharing the good news with your family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors. People used to just find out they had herpes at the doctor, and that was it. Over the past few […]
Travel Guide: The Car Trunk You’re Locked In
There’s a whole world of fun back there to enjoy while the goons drive you to the murder spot.
Travel Guide: A Creepy Chocolate Factory For Which You’ve Won A Tour
Read this guide / when you slide / to a world of fear and trepidation.
I Ate This One Thing Every Morning And It Changed My Life
To feel truly different, you’re going to have to make some real life alterations so that you don’t fall back into your old habits. I completely changed my life by eating the same unlikely thing every morning. And that thing is a box of thumbtacks.
I Shot The Dog In ‘Duck Hunt’ And It Really Messed Me Up
Your cousin lied when he said he shot the dog in Duck Hunt. Because if he had, he’d be scarred for life.
A Surefire Cure For Lifelong Asthma: Kidnap Our Lawyer, And Drink His Plasma!
His blood is magic.
3 Best Places To Lay Your Eggs This Spring (And 4 You Shouldn’t!)
Wake up, you actual bear who has been sleeping for months. Bet you’re hungry.
Signs Your Spouse Is Cheating With a Circus Clown
No, you’re not crazy – if you’ve got a bad feeling it’s happening, then your spouse probably is cheating on you with a circus clown.
The Best Spots For Your Post-Hibernation Salmon-And-Honey Binge
You bear? I bear, too!
The Beginner’s Guide To Pre-Emptive Amputation
There are lots of reasons to carve off one of your arms or legs before its absolutely necessary.
Which Member of GWAR Should You Hire To Tutor Your Child?
The Berserker Blothar? Or perhaps Bonesnapper?
I Didn’t Vaccinate My Kid Because You Know Who Loves Needles? Junkies
One taste of that needle now, and they’ll be hooked for life.
Romantic Getaways For You And Your Twin Brother
Because keeping the spark alive takes work.
The Bad Dudes Are Really Good Dudes, And They’re My Uncles
I don’t know why everybody called my uncles “Bad Dudes,” because they were good dudes. More than good. Probably the best people I’ll ever know.
All The Pills From Dr. Mario Ranked By How High They Get You
Take the blue pill, take the red pill, take all the pills from Dr. Mario. (Except for the red-blue one.)
7 Hot Jackets You Can Tie Around Your Neck Like A Cape
Congrats, you’re a superhero now. Off to save the day!
Winter Project: How To Gussy Up Your Favorite Glory Hole!
Is the hole in the wall of a public bathroom through which you do unspeakable things starting to look a bit rundown? Then you need an extreme glory hole makeover, buddy.
Get That Look: Grimace
Use this guide, and everywhere you go, people will think that you’re the real Grimace!
A Handy Recipe For Homemade Adderall
Save yourself some money (and a visit with your “guy”) by making your own Adderall at home. Now FOCUS.
The Only MacBook You Need This Christmas Is The Novelization Of ‘Home Alone 2’
Move over, Apple.
Color Of The Month: Artificial Banana Flavoring (Synesthesia Edition!)
It’s literally all we can hear, taste, and smell.
Let Us Prepare For The Arrival Of Father Depression!
The days are getting colder, and that means Father Depression is on his way.
Fun Winter Hats To Cover The Spots Where Your Brain Soaks Through
We’ve all been there.
The X-Men Kicked Me Out Because My Mutant Power Is Pooping Hot Dogs
It’s a non-ideal situation.
Nostalgia Alert! Nintendo Switch Online Is Bringing Back Your Dead Grandma
Reviving yet another classic!
Fall Is Wonderful Unless You’re An Apple-Hands-Man Like Me
“Fall is but a living nightmare for an apple-hands-man.”
‘Are You Afraid Of The Dark’ Episodes I Still Talk About In Therapy
It’s an ongoing process.
TV Witches Ranked By How Hard We’re Gonna Burn Them At The Stake
#5 is gonna burn so hard!
‘Hell In A Cell Phone Store’ And Other Forgotten Cell-Themed Matches
We took a look back in honor of Hell in a Cell 2019.
Only 90 Kids Will Remember The Horrific Thing That Happened That Day
How could we forget?