Brian Boone writes comedy and trivia on the internet and in books, which is like the old timey internet. He shamed his family by losing on Jeopardy.
Show your tree how much you love it…physically.
The ocean is terrible and full of scary fish and fish-monsters. Why do you want to go there? What’s wrong with you?
Stop spitting them into the garbage and do something useful with those beetles that emerge from your mouth for inscrutable reasons.
After the XFL tanked in 2001, Vince McMahon tried to WWE-ify other sports. Really. He really did.
Your mom’s sensible beige bra is going to look soooo good on you.
Ladies, these spring perfumes will strongly remember him of springs from long ago AND send him into a downward spiral over deep feelings of loss.
Everybody poops. Even your edgy teen.
Hint: It’s not Lucky Charms.
The goth look is out. The baroque look is in.
It’s so much healthier to bring your baby into the world with a water birth. And it costs next to nothing to do it down at the local pool!
It’s so weird that most of us were scandalized when Prince William and Princess Kate decided to take on a third party into their marriage.
No need to thank us.
Whatever you think you know is really just the tip.
This always happens to me!
There has to be a head transplant list by now, right?
The toilet is where the pee-pee and poops leave your body,
You don’t even have to be dead!
Breathtaking.
His name and intent remain unknown.
I know, it sounds ludicrous, but I assure you this is no joke.
Hey James, fuck you you disgusting shit. Everyone else, please learn to accept your body as it is!
Nowadays, thankfully, there are many different kinds of hats that prevent thought-theft… too many, in fact.
Welcome to The Beginner’s Guide, our recurring series where our experts provide everything you need to know about your new endeavor, regardless of what it is. This week, we’ll be taking you through: The Beginner’s Guide To England’s Regional Butthole Slang The United Kingdom is a very small country, but it’s such an old country […]
I’ve never been what one would call “conventionally attractive.” I’ve struggled with my weight since I was a kid, and I’m below average, height-wise. Mean classmates (and my parents) called me Grimace. My body image issues got so bad that I loathed and feared looking in the bathroom mirror each day. But I’m proud to say […]
It’s a scientific fact that humankind evolved from an ancient ancestor that crawled out of the ocean and onto the shore. It’s also a known fact that all men (and women!) must return to the sea one day and once more live among the fish and dolphins. Traditionally, most people have waited until their seventies or eighties […]
There are few more frightening, serious, and expensive predicaments in life than suddenly needing an organ replacement. Not only do you get to feel like garbage for the months or even years you’re on a waiting list for a new one, but you get the pleasure of a $150,000 hospital bill upon transplant. There’s got to […]
Hey, you, with the penis. Be honest. Does your penis not work so good anymore? It happens. Stress, medical problems, overuse, and aging take their toll and weaken your love tackle, but there are measures you can take to revive the ol’ pants meat. I’m not talking about pumps or pills—that’s Big Pharma hooey. You […]
If you’re gonna sacrifice a virgin, you better sacrifice a virgin the right way.
Acquiring oral herpes is one of the most exciting periods in life, and one of the most thrilling moments in this very special journey is sharing the good news with your family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors. People used to just find out they had herpes at the doctor, and that was it. Over the past few […]
There’s a whole world of fun back there to enjoy while the goons drive you to the murder spot.
Read this guide / when you slide / to a world of fear and trepidation.
To feel truly different, you’re going to have to make some real life alterations so that you don’t fall back into your old habits. I completely changed my life by eating the same unlikely thing every morning. And that thing is a box of thumbtacks.
Your cousin lied when he said he shot the dog in Duck Hunt. Because if he had, he’d be scarred for life.
His blood is magic.
Wake up, you actual bear who has been sleeping for months. Bet you’re hungry.
No, you’re not crazy – if you’ve got a bad feeling it’s happening, then your spouse probably is cheating on you with a circus clown.
You bear? I bear, too!
There are lots of reasons to carve off one of your arms or legs before its absolutely necessary.
The Berserker Blothar? Or perhaps Bonesnapper?
One taste of that needle now, and they’ll be hooked for life.
Because everybody has one. Right?
Because keeping the spark alive takes work.
So, so many things.
I don’t know why everybody called my uncles “Bad Dudes,” because they were good dudes. More than good. Probably the best people I’ll ever know.
Take the blue pill, take the red pill, take all the pills from Dr. Mario. (Except for the red-blue one.)
