I Ate This One Thing Every Morning And It Changed My Life
Imagine being able to eat just one single thing every morning and having your whole life completely change. Imagine the simplicity of having to eat this one thing, and only this, for the rest of your natural life. Traditional wisdom has told us that you’ve got to eat a wide variety of foods to get every vitamin and mineral, but some foods are even better than others, packing such a wallop of good stuff like protein, fiber, and antioxidants that nutritionists call them “superfoods.” Eat these, and you’ll be healthy from now until your increasingly unlikely death.
But I’m not here today to sell you on some açaí shake mix. Those don’t really change your lifestyle. To feel truly different, you’re going to have to make some real lifestyle alterations so that you don’t fall back into your old habits. Look at me: I completely changed my life by eating the same unlikely thing every morning. That thing is a box of thumbtacks.
They Don’t Hurt As Much As You Would Think
After pouring a box of thumbtacks into my mouth on even that first day, the unique fusion of cheap plastic with sharp bits of metal revolutionized my body. The first thing I noticed when I ate a bunch of thumbtacks was the immediate taste of copper. As the pointy thumbtacks attacked my tongue, gums, and cheeks, cutting up everything they touched, my mouth was filled with healthy, life-sustaining blood.
Then, I very carefully swallowed the thumbtacks, and gosh, it was a true experience getting them down. “They must be working,” I thought as I endured the pain of bloody, sharp, plastic-coated thumbtacks moving down my esophagus, tearing it to shreds along the way.
Pooping Sucks, Though
A new diet can often bring about gastrointestinal discomfort, so be warned that eating a box of thumbtacks each morning is no different. It takes your body some time to get used to a new plan, not to mention the pile of sharp, undigestible metal sitting in your stomach, puncturing its delicate inner lining hundreds of times an hour. My stomach hurt like no pain I had ever experienced before, except for maybe earlier when the thumbtacks ripped up my mouth and throat.
Because consistency is so important to both long-term goals and establishing new habits, I did it all again the next morning. This time, it hurt even more, every step of the way. But I knew I had to keep doing it, and even when I didn’t feel like jumping out of bed at 6:00 A.M. to eat a box of thumbtacks, I told myself that it was worth it. I did this every day, like I planned, for two weeks. Go me!
You Can See The Results In Just A Couple Of Weeks
After those two weeks, I noticed dramatic changes in my appearance and overall physical health. When my family took me to the hospital, I just knew the doctors would tell me that they’d seen dramatic changes in my “numbers” and overall physical health, and indeed, they did. Not only was I fashionably pale and gaunt from ingesting nothing but plastic-wrapped, sharp pieces of metal for two weeks, but I’d done a lot to my body in only 14 days. I was diagnosed with severe internal bleeding, a lacerated and infected trachea, blood poisoning, pica, and a colon so severely blocked with indigestible matter that they had to remove it and install a colostomy bag.
Also, I lost 10 pounds!
Eating a box of thumbtacks every morning truly changed my life. I no longer live in a tasteful apartment with my husband and his daughter from a previous marriage but in a hospital in the intensive care unit on a 24-hour mental health watch. All my needs are provided, and none of the old stressors of my life remain. And I owe it all to eating a box of thumbtacks each and every morning.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…