Travel Guide: Night Vale
Everyone knows the best places to travel are off the beaten path, which is why I was so delighted to find myself in this virtually unknown desert burg. I don’t really know how I ended up in Night Vale. No one here does. One day, you just find yourself there. I was just road-tripping through the California desert, and then, there I was. It’s a good thing, too, because this place is going to be all the rage once some more fashionable people suddenly materialize here.
Things To Do:
For such a small town, there’s a surprising number of museums, landmarks, and cultural activities, so make sure to listen to the community radio show for the current calendar! The Museum of Forbidden Technologies is a must. Everything is hidden under thick burlap tarps, but if anything, imagining what might be underneath, much like a kid shaking a wrapped Christmas present, is almost more fun. (Time machine or calculator? Could be either!)
If you visit the Brown Stone Spire, make sure to bring it an offering. I gave it my travel bottle of bunnyglow™, and in return, it gave me a fair-condition copy of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. It was, of course, immediately taken from me by the Sheriff’s Secret Police because reading is forbidden in Night Vale, but it was still a nice exchange.
I do not recommend the dog park. They say call it a dog park, but there are no actual dogs inside, just a portal to a desert otherworld. I’ll never see my spaniel, Grace Kelly, again.
Where To Eat:
For the gourmand, Night Vale is a culinary delight! The best eats in town, and possibly this entire dimension, can be found at Night Vale’s premier fine-dining establishment, Tourniquet. It’s booked months in advance, but time is weird in Night Vale, so by the time you book your table, you may actually be late. It’ll take a few tries to get it right, but don’t give up—it’s to die for. If you’d rather slum it with the salt of the Earth locals, you can’t beat the Moonlite All-Night Diner. Try the invisible pie—it’s calorie-free! Wherever you go, you’re bound to find local flavor, but the coffee in the barista district is infused with the soul of the city. Literally. It’s a long story.
Places To Go:
Real talk: I stopped in at the antique mall straight away, but take your money elsewhere, because—though exquisite and clearly ancient—the antiques attack. I barely escaped a Victorian ottoman. Jackie’s Pawn Shop is a much better bang for your buck. You won’t know where it is until you need it, but I made a tidy profit selling my Oprah-approved scarf and a few ideas about time. I really needed it, too, because I was out of work for a while, as I am not yet licensed to own a computer. (I transmitted this piece via telepathy.) This misstep of local ignorance earned me a night in the abandoned mine shaft, which I actually do recommend, because it’s the only place in town with HBO.
One place you should definitely steer clear from is anywhere outside of Night Vale. No matter how many times I circled back onto the highway, I couldn’t seem to leave, and once I got the locals to stop pointing and shouting “Interloper!” at me, they explained that leaving Night Vale can lead to all kinds of catastrophes with the fabric of space-time even if you do manage it. My overall recommendation is to sit back, get comfortable, and stop believing in mountains. Yes, there are mountains everywhere in the California desert. Trust me on this.