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…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…

Our Dream Fall Menu Is A Plate of Teeth and a Photo of My Dad

When Bunny Ears asked me to handle our harvest menu planning, I was thrilled. I love entertaining, and fall is my favorite season to do it. I didn’t just want to create a BEAUTIFUL feast, I wanted to create my DREAM feast. So to inspire myself, I loaded up on Benadryl and rode that pink pony into the land of nod to scoop up some truly dreamlike ideas. After sleeping for a restful eighteen hours, I’m delighted to announce the fall menu of my dreams, literally!

Food these days has gotten so complicated. Israeli-inspired tacos. Architectural ceviche. I wanted to do something more direct. So after dreaming about a plate of teeth and a photo of my dad, I decided to serve a literal dream menu: a plate of teeth and a photo of my dad.

When serving a simple menu, execution is key. Especially when you’re serving teeth! Please don’t ask where the teeth came from!

There are many ways to serve your guests photos of their fathers. I considered transferring the photo of my dad to a gelatin sheet and placing the sheet atop a white apple crisp. In the end, however, I decided to ask for something a little different from my Swedish chef Olle (yes, a real Swedish chef! I only make him use the puppet on family nights, though). I asked Olle to recreate a portrait of my father by sticking autumn seeds in a squash flatbread. Sure, the seeds may get stuck in the teeth in your mouth, but they’ll also get stuck in the teeth on your plate. If your guests aren’t sophisticated enough to eat a plate of raw teeth, remind them that the teeth were VERY expensive to acquire. If that doesn’t work, you can, of course, create one of these LESSER dream menu dishes:

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MOLAR MOLE

We love combining pumpkin and chilies with molars in this warm and fuzzy treat. If you want a smokier tooth, use chipotle peppers and try to get some yellowish looking teeth (they usually have a little nicotine still on them for an extra kick!)

WISE KING CAKE

In New Orleans, whoever gets the plastic baby in their king cake has to buy the next king cake. In my house, we play by the rules set by my grandpa, Gums Gale, who used to lean over the stew pot and shout “whoever gets the teeth GETS the TEETH.” So true, Gampi! The best reward for getting the wisdom teeth in your slice of cake is the wisdom teeth themselves.

ENAMELS FOSTER

Like my brother Ferdi always used to say, “when nothing else works, light it all on fire!” Thank you for asking about him, we believe that the arson convictions will be dismissed very soon. Anyway, dousing teeth in sugar and overproof rum (just like in your college years) makes for a very dramatic presentation.

CHICKEN INCISOR SALAD

In this variation on a ceasar salad, you replace the croutons with teeth. This way, you get the same crunch with none of the calories! We’re pretty sure. Well, regardless, you can expect to lose weight after you break all your teeth.

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CAPTAIN CRUNCH

You can throw a bunch of teeth in a bowl of Captain Crunch, and no one will even notice. It’s delightfully nostalgic!

With the harvest rolling in, fall is a wonderful time for dentist-to-table eating. It’s a wonderful time to enjoy the leaves crunching beneath your feet and the teeth crunching beneath your teeth. With our dream-inspired dinner menu, your next party is sure to be a success.

IMAGES:  Pixabay, @ Spampinato_erin

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