Spiritual Wellness: Feeling Lost?

Winter, am I right? Shorter days, full of cold and gray and slush and blah. It’s enough to make even the most spiritually attuned among us feel a little disconnected. Personally, my day job had me coming in early and leaving late enough that I swear I hadn’t seen the sun in a week! Aside from the more obvious Vitamin D deficiencies and bouts of Seasonal Affective Disorder that can crop up, my spiritual energies have taken a major hit. As the seasons change, so do the metaphysical frequencies that surround us, and sometimes it can be an undeniable change for the worse. Even after rearranging all of my home’s wellness crystals, and having my acupuncturist revitalize my chakra points, I was lethargic at best.

In the throes of a harsh winter, after a long year full of politics, none of the ways I traditionally recharge my spiritual batteries were working. I was having a full-on crisis of faith! So I decided to turn to the one place that’s never failed to connect me with like-minded souls and spiritual leaders looking to make meaningful connections: Craigslist. My belief that the universe would provide was well-placed; almost immediately, I found an ad that piqued my interest:

Church of Shezmu

I’d never heard of the Church of Shezmu, but the ad felt like it was written just for me. I had to check it out! We exchanged a few emails, as part of a brief screening process that, I’ll admit, felt a little strange at first. I mean, they never ask you if you’re “comfortable with blood” before a Kundalini Yoga session. But now that I’ve spent some time in the church, it actually makes a lot of sense. It’s a small organization, and they don’t have the resources to look after someone whose energies are so out of sync with the rites of Shezmu that they faint during the Transanguination.

I’ve currently been attending services for nearly three weeks at a stretch, and the church is incredibly accommodating. After encouraging me to sleep there the first night, I awoke to find that a High Priest had gathered a bag of necessities from my home so that I could stay worry-free! I quickly found that this level of convenience and courtesy is par for the course, here. I never have to worry about what I’m going to wear, or what I’m going to eat. Talk about the easy life!

But I haven’t even gotten to the best part…

Every week, at Transanguination, all of the negative energy is literally drawn out of your body. But while some spiritual practices are content just to remove or cover up that negativity, Shezmu finds a wonderful new use for it! They give free classes throughout the week on how to use your old, corrupted blood for perfumes and incense with calming natural fragrances. Goodbye, bad feelings, hello, new sense of purpose!

Shezmu is one of the oldest and most powerful deities. In the ancient texts, he is called The Lord Of Blood and the Slaughterer of Gods. You know how sometimes you pray for something, like a new car, or sick abs, but you don’t get them? It’s not because your god is testing you, dummy, it’s because Shezmu killed your god millenia ago. And now he’s back to take your impure blood, convert it to a line of artisanal fragrances, and make your life worth living.

It may be too early to say if The Church of Shezmu can truly offer metaphysical health and spiritual stability in the long-term, or if it’s just another quick-fix trend. What I can say is that since joining, I’ve lost six pounds, turned my negative energies into a line of perfumes, and forgotten why I was feeling so down in the first place. In fact, I don’t remember much at all before joining the church, so they must be doing something right!