Time To Send Your Kids To Summer Camp, But Which Cult Should You Choose?
Summer is the perfect time for your children to engage in holistic learning. However, this can be hard to accomplish at home, especially when you have plans to attend a tropical resort clinic to learn mindful breathing while on a Mai Tai cleanse.
So to ensure that your Precious Little Ones get the most out of the Solstice Times, consider placing them on a Mind Cleanse to wash away all the clutter they’ve accumulated from school, peers, and “common knowledge.”
If you’re looking to send your child away and have them return as a radically changed, superior being, here are the Bunny Ears picks for the top summer children’s cults.
Behold The Goat Camp
Your child enters the camp. It is a barren, rocky field, lined with tents crafted from various animal hides. A pervasive, disorienting mist hangs low in the air, making it difficult to keep track of where the entrance was. A faint red glow emanates from the center of camp. Craving the comforting warmth of a campfire, the children will inevitably be drawn towards the light. As they walk towards this central point, the absence of counselors or staff begins to weigh on their minds. Finally, they approach it: The Center.
A stone dais the size of a small stage sits in The Center. It is made of black, almost impossibly smooth rock, painstakingly etched with a number of inscrutable patterns. The masonry is uncannily precise. Upon the dais sits The Goat. As the children stare into the red eyes of The Goat, the illegible markings on the stone begin to take form. They seem to spell, “BEHOLD THE GOAT.”
Your children will return to you, their physical forms unchanged. But when you look into their eyes, they appear eerily opaque. Sometimes, out of the corner of your eye, you think you spot a goat-like creature in the mirror where your child’s reflection ought to be. And late at night, you hear a faint, unearthly bleating.
In addition, your little campers will come home with a colorful keepsake lanyard! They may try to eat the lanyard (and other non-food items) but a quick squirt of water from a spray-bottle and a firm “NO” will temper this behavior, which is a known side-effect of Behold The Goat Camp. You’ll also receive sunglasses that come in a variety of fun kid-friendly shapes because after Behold the Goat Camp UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU MAKE DIRECT EYE CONTACT WITH YOUR CHILD.
The Brotherhood’s Summer-of-Contemplation-Before-Christ’s-Imminent-Return Camp
The apocalypse is coming, but that doesn’t mean your children can’t have some fun in the sun before the world is bathed in eternal darkness! The Brotherhood’s SoCBCIR Camp is full of fun activities for your boy child. Girl children are not accepted. Their souls are filthy, and that girl-filth will get everywhere like glitter in a carpet. Activities at The Brotherhood’s camp include: knot-tying, campfires, grave-digging, and other useful skills to prepare them for the coming apocalypse.
When Christ returns and heralds the end of the world, will your child be pure enough to enter the eternal realm, or will your sin-child end up struggling for survival amongst a ruined earth? The Brotherhood will teach your little one how to eschew mortal comforts for the security of entrance into the afterlife. Laughter is strictly prohibited at this camp, as laughs are in fact “devil steam” escaping from your child. Also banned are baths, possessions, and medicine. The only dancing allowed will be “The Dance of Atonement,” where in which campers gather round as counselors act out the screams of the damned.
Be sure to pack your child plenty of clothes and toys! These will become fuel for the Purifying Bonfire of Earthly Possessions.
Camp Good Times For The Youth
Does your youth seek great fun? Your child will find contentment at the Camp Good Times For The Youth. Shipping crates have been beautifully renovated to house up to ten children each! Activity schedule:
6:00AM: Rise ‘n shine! Eat industrial breakfast pudding!
6:15-6:30AM: “Tick Toc” It’s time to comb for ticks!
6:30-6:45AM: Line up! Contraband check! Punishment is ants!
6:45AM-12:30PM: Down to the mines.
12:30-12:35PM: Break for industrial lunchtime pudding.
12:35-1:00PM: Field trip to the Bathroom Hole.
1:00-1:15PM: Defend the Bathroom Hole from circling wolverines
1:00-1:01PM: Moment of silence to mourn the children carried away by wolverines
1:01-11:00PM: Back down to the mines.
11:00PM: Prepare for bed. Drink warm glass of “milk.”
11:15PM-6:00AM: Sleep time. Quiet sobbing is not allowed.
And there you have it! Several Bunny Ears-approved summer children’s cults. Let us know your personal favorites.