CGI Health: The New American Healthcare
As the american healthcare debate continues to divide our country, it’s hard to find any points that we can all agree on. So let’s start with something basic: everyone feels crappy sometimes. Some mornings you just wake up under the weather or with that achy feeling in your body. Even with insurance, going to a doctor can be expensive and time consuming, and who wants to sit in those stuffy waiting rooms with a bunch of sick people? Thankfully, there’s a cutting-edge solution. Not feeling great? Experts can now CGI you into shape. Damn, science is cool! You’re going to look nearly perfect, the best you’ve ever looked in your life. And you’ll feel great knowing that people are seeing this incredible vision of you! How does it work, you ask?
A Thriving Industry
CGI Healthcare is a thriving new industry that revolves around the idea that health comes down to how you feel, and nothing will make you feel better than people seeing how great you look. CGI Health techs use the latest computer technology to digitally recreate your face and body in a computer and fine tune it to its most aesthetically pleasing appearance. You’ll never look sick, tired, fat, bald, old, or silly again. Remember how great everyone looked in the The Matrix? Smile, ‘cause that’s you now. CGI Health has the power to transform your body into the you you’ve always dreamed of. You’ll look and feel exquisite, with the peace of mind that whenever you post a picture to Facebook or Instagram, your friends will think, “Damn! That’s a good looking person who has a better life than me.”
That first great thing about CGI Health is it’s much more cost effective than traditional medicine. Hospital bills, surgeries, check ups and medications can all cost thousands, sometimes hundred of thousands of dollars. Who has that kind of money lying around?! And isn’t your hard earned cash better spent on things you actually enjoy like digital downloads of your favorite films, funny or legitimately sweet collectibles to line your desk with, and a phat, top-of-the-line VR headset? CGI health won’t break the bank and you’ll only need to update CGI rendered pictures of yourself when you choose. Sorry, traditional doctors! The power is back in our hands.
CGI Health also completely takes the massive pressure of looking presentable all the time away. Everyone is so concerned with who you’re wearing, and “have-you-shaved-this-week,” and “are-you-wearing-pants,” and that can get pretty tiring. Now that a computer program can create an image of you in the hottest new styles, with the clearest most radiant skin, and always wearing expensive pants, you can take a deep breath and stop worrying about all that noise. Settle into that deep, satisfying couch and keep streaming family-oriented cop shows. You’ve earned this.
A Lasting Solution
Another incredible breakthrough of CGI Health is that you can keep your image and social media presence going long after your death. Why stop sharing flawless pictures of yourself doing dope, exciting, adventurous things simply because your gross human body stopped working? Many CGI Health providers offer bundled plans that will render your perfect digital self in perpetuity. Some refer to this tech as “deep fakes” but their actually deeply cool and deeply real.
So when you’re staring down a medical bill with more commas than you have in your bank account, do yourself a favor and get yourself CGI-ed. You’re going to look one hundred percent better, you’re going to feel sexy enough for one of those freaky fun Matrix sex parties, and people will be looking at that flawless face for the rest of time. Immortality is now just a click away.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…