Free Monthly Horoscopes - March Edition
…AMBER ALERT: Spoon; Last seen running away with a Dish…
…Colonel Sanders Found to Have Never Served in the Military…
…Lindbergh baby missing…
…Thoughts and prayers found to be cancerous…
…Ophthalmologist: Glasses Are Sexy…
…15 found dead in Warner Bros. Water Tower, at the Warner Movie lot…
…Scientists find that Vaping is dope AF…
…Hillary Clinton Still Roaming The Woods…
…Supreme Court Rules: We Rule! …
…10 Out Of 10 Car Salesmen Agree, You Need A New Car…
…Christmas Scheduled to Happen Again This Year…
…Corks Found To Only Be Holding Things Back…
…San Francisco and Oakland make up; will become one city…
…BREAKING NEWS: New Yorkers shocked to learn Staten Island isn’t part of New Jersey…
…“Specialist” not a real designation…
…BREAKING: Grandmother Not Actually As Proud Of You As She Says…
…BitCoins Revealed To Be Pogs All Along…
…Study finds that 9 out of 10 studies are for nerds…
…Forks and outlets: you decide…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
Cigarettes linked to cancer!
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Africa Is Not A Country…
…Psychic Predicts World Already Over…
…Waldo still missing…
…The Academy Awards ‘In Memoriam’ Forgets To Mention Macaulay Culkin For The Third Year In A Row…
…Four turtles and a rat found dead of toxic poisoning…
…Queen Kong???…
…Cancer and Death to marry… cigarettes devastated…
…Dog’s Feet Smell Like Vacuum Cleaner Bag…
…Murder Victim Speaks Out…
…Entertainment personality ahead in the polls…
…Mannequins found in store window…
…Man Wakes Up From 10 Year Coma, Asks, “What’s Up With Lance Armstrong?”…
…”Peacoat” not what name suggests…
…Quiz: Which 90s Murderer Are You?…
…Trump Asks Media “What’s A Tariff?”…
…God found dead in space…
…Forever 21 Turns 34 this year…
…City Announces Subway Being Rebranded As “Uber Metro”…
…Hats are cool…
…Tropic of Cancer sues Caribbean Medical Board for copyright infringement…
Cancer linked to death!
…Teeth Found To Be Tongue Prison…
…Police Discover Two Bodies In Witch’s Oven…
…Quiz: Does He Know You’re Illiterate? …
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Vacuums Suck…
…RIP KOKO…
…BREAKING NEWS: Dumb Is Spelled With A ‘B’…
…Roast Beef: Lunch Meat or Middle Toe? Little Piggies Respond…
…Local Mom Still Talking About Tupperware…
…Newest Gaming Trend: Personal Space…
…AMBER ALERT: Amber Tamblyn…
…Secret Ingredient To Sushi Discovered: FISH…
…Snow Is Just Rain That Forgot To Melt…
…Medieval Times to get modern update…
…AMBER ALERT: Tiffany Amber Thiessen…
… Red and Yellow Is The New Black…
…Quiz: Do You Have A Savior Complex Or Are You Just Jesus?…

Free Monthly Horoscopes – March Edition

Hello and welcome to your monthly Horoscope Guide! We know you have a lot of options when it comes to finding out your future, and we are thrilled and humbled that you’ve chosen us to be the copilots on your astrological journey through the stars.

Horoscopes - The Water Guy

Aquarius: The Water-Bearer!  Your colors are light-blue and silver. You have a kind heart and an independent streak (though we both know you can be indecisive). We wouldn’t make any significant financial decisions this year because of Saturn’s unbalanced alignment, but you can’t go wrong if you spend more time with close friends. Host a board game night. Invite your #WorkCrush 😉

Lucky Numbers: 2, 14, 4, 36

Horoscopes - The Fish

Pisces: The Fish! Your colors are mauve, lilac, and (our favorite) violet! You tend to be overly trusting, but that’s a good thing, especially right now; we have a feeling (thanks to a tip from Jupiter) that love is right around the corner for you.

Lucky Numbers: 18, 40, 11, 45

Horoscopes - Awesome Dude!

Aries: The Ram! Your color is red! You’ve had a rough go at it for a while, but this is not only your day- it’s your year, buddy! You typically run from emotional expression, but Mars is on your side so why not embrace it this year? Why not take 2018 to bet on yourself?

Lucky Numbers: 13, 6, 16, 9

Horoscopes - The Bull

Taurus: The Bull! Are we alone? Okay. Listen to me, Taurus, it does not fucking matter what your colors are. I don’t have a lot of time here so let me just cut to the chase: Everything I said about Aries just now is bullshit, Aries is gonna get into some seriously violent and haunting shit this year, so you need to avoid Aries at all costs. Stay with a friend or something. Spread the word, but do it quietly.

Lucky Numbers: 35, 12, 7…. uh, 12 again

Horoscopes - Two Face

Gemini: The Twins! Your colors are “Runaway” and “Light-Who-Gives-A-Shit?” Did you hear what I said to Taurus? Shit is going down on the Aries front I’m not even playing right now. Get the hell outta Dodge, like, yesterday.

Lucky Numbers: 911, and a number that is shaped like a gun because it is a gun that you can use for protection.

Horoscopes - Sebastian

Cancer: That Little Crab. It is definitely already too late for Aquarius and Pisces, and that’s not on me, there was just no time to warn them. I needed the time to- Look, this is not on me, do you understand that? I don’t know what they’re going to do, but every single Aries is going to go absolutely NUTS this year, and no one is safe, especially you.

Lucky Numbers: Do you really need this? Something in the twenties, okay?

Horoscopes - OH FUCK

Checking in with Aries Again: The Handsome, Strong Ram! Hey buddy! I know this is unorthodox, but it’s us again with a BONUS horoscope for you! Just got off the blower with Mars and he says, hoo boy, he says now would be a GREAT time for you to start that home business you’ve always been talking about. Haven’t you always been talking about that? About some business you would make? You should start that now.

Lucky Numbers: Whatever you’re feeling, buddy! You’re the man!

Horoscopes - The Lion

Leo: The Lion. Okay, I think I probably bought us some time with that home business bullshit, that should keep every Aries busy while we figure out just what the fuck we’re going to do here. Leo’s tend to have a “hero complex” so I have a feeling that you’re gonna try to step up and save the day but, I’m telling you, my dude, you will not like the results. I don’t know what all the Aries are planning but it is big, and it is evil and evil just LOVES to cripple a hero. They get rock hard for it.

Lucky Numbers: I don’t have time for this, just take, fuckin, some of Pisces’s numbers, all the Pisces are dead anyway.

Horoscopes - Hot Plant Lady

Virgo: I Don’t Remember, Some Kind of Hot, Lady Plant, Maybe? The home business gambit did not work, repeat, the home business gambit DID NOT WORK. The Aries are monitoring all forms of electronic communications, the only way we can reach each other is through horoscopes now.

Lucky Numbers: 8, 21, 34, 60. Look, I don’t control how the number magic works, sometimes these things just speak to me.

Horoscopes - Libra Is Dead

Libra: The Scales of Justice, Which No Longer Exist! You are incredibly compatible with Aries so you can go ahead and fuck right off.

Horoscopes - Get Over Here

Scorpio: The Scorpion, Obviously. Did you see how the Leo’s all bonded together to try to save the day? And did you see what happened to them? And isn’t it precisely what I said? Yeah. Buncha dead Leo’s, all over this once beautiful planet. Yeah. What’d we learn?

Lucky Numbers: Eat My Ass.

Horoscopes - Hard To Spell

Sagittarius: That Arrow Thing! The important thing to remember is Aries is Good. Aries is Life. We love Aries, and things are much better now that Aries replaced what was old and broken with what is New and Better. Sagittarius would be wise to stop holding out and bend the knee to the new Aries-tocracy. Be smart, Sagittarius. People’s families are on the line here, Sagittarius.

Lucky Numbers: Aries has wisely replaced all numbers with the symbol of Aries, and we are all better and luckier for it.

Horoscopes - Sea goat

Capricorn: The Dumb Fucking Sea-Goat Thing!  WE’VE TAKEN BACK THE NORTH!! We’ve cut off their ration supply. Victory is in our sights. You’re our last hope, do you understand that, you stupid Sea-Goat bastards?! Our last hope! We will not die on our knees. Now more than ever we need you to tap into the discipline and self-control for which all Capricorns are known and be the leader you were always destined to be.

Lucky Numbers: July. Fucking. Fourth.

Daniel O’Brien
Daniel O’Brien

Author - Presidential Expert

Daniel O’Brien is the author of How to Fight Presidents, Your Presidential Fantasy Dream Team, the head writer for The De-Textbook and a senior editor for You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News (now a New York Times Bestseller). He is one of the original founding members of Cracked.com, an award-winning comedy website and now he travels the world with his very woke dog Jackson. He values his privacy but can be found on Twitter.

19 Comments
  1. I just very strongly feel that this is extremely rude to Cancers motherfucker I do need this

    also if I’m not allowed to call Daniel O’Brien a motherfucker on this website I understand but the bitch came for me accurately

  2. Laughed my ass off. I was not surprised to see this was written by Daniel O’Brien as I’m pretty sure I read this as his voice in my head ranting about an Aries apocalypse.

  3. HELP!! I’ve been captured by one of those Aries people. I don’t have much time as I’m not supposed to be in here using their equipment. There are others here too , they don’t want me to get caught and told me stop trying to be such a Leo. But I cant just stay here and wait for another gallon of vinegar and plate of sky again , I have to do SOMETHING!! I over heard a phone number being mentioned by one of the Aries overseer’s yesterday ,I think it was:
    (RAM RAM RAM) RAM RAM RAM-RAM RAM RAM RAM.
    I don’t know what it was for but I hope it can be used to get us out of here!

    Oh Christ! here comes a guard! I gotta go. C’mon you Sea-Goat bastards! save us.

  4. Okay but Dan is on Bunny Ears???? Is this a re occurring event or a one off? This was awesome. Capricorn checking in 😂

    1. DOB is our Lord and Savior. He’s written a few things that we’ll post in the coming weeks and he’s working on new stuff for us as we speak. We love him.

  5. I’m so glad Danny O’Beanz is back! Pay him lots of monies so nothing about his life ever has to change. Apparently that freaks him out but good.

  6. Oh jeeze my internal narrator was in DOB’s voice by the time I finished Taurus. Then to see he actually was the one who wrote it! How did my subconscious know so quickly?

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