Hello and welcome to your monthly Horoscope Guide! We know you have a lot of options when it comes to finding out your future, and we are thrilled and humbled that you’ve chosen us to be the copilots on your astrological journey through the stars.
Aquarius: The Water-Bearer! Your colors are light-blue and silver. You have a kind heart and an independent streak (though we both know you can be indecisive). We wouldn’t make any significant financial decisions this year because of Saturn’s unbalanced alignment, but you can’t go wrong if you spend more time with close friends. Host a board game night. Invite your #WorkCrush 😉
Lucky Numbers: 2, 14, 4, 36
Pisces: The Fish! Your colors are mauve, lilac, and (our favorite) violet! You tend to be overly trusting, but that’s a good thing, especially right now; we have a feeling (thanks to a tip from Jupiter) that love is right around the corner for you.
Lucky Numbers: 18, 40, 11, 45
Aries: The Ram! Your color is red! You’ve had a rough go at it for a while, but this is not only your day- it’s your year, buddy! You typically run from emotional expression, but Mars is on your side so why not embrace it this year? Why not take 2018 to bet on yourself?
Lucky Numbers: 13, 6, 16, 9
Taurus: The Bull! Are we alone? Okay. Listen to me, Taurus, it does not fucking matter what your colors are. I don’t have a lot of time here so let me just cut to the chase: Everything I said about Aries just now is bullshit, Aries is gonna get into some seriously violent and haunting shit this year, so you need to avoid Aries at all costs. Stay with a friend or something. Spread the word, but do it quietly.
Lucky Numbers: 35, 12, 7…. uh, 12 again
Gemini: The Twins! Your colors are “Runaway” and “Light-Who-Gives-A-Shit?” Did you hear what I said to Taurus? Shit is going down on the Aries front I’m not even playing right now. Get the hell outta Dodge, like, yesterday.
Lucky Numbers: 911, and a number that is shaped like a gun because it is a gun that you can use for protection.
Cancer: That Little Crab. It is definitely already too late for Aquarius and Pisces, and that’s not on me, there was just no time to warn them. I needed the time to- Look, this is not on me, do you understand that? I don’t know what they’re going to do, but every single Aries is going to go absolutely NUTS this year, and no one is safe, especially you.
Lucky Numbers: Do you really need this? Something in the twenties, okay?
Checking in with Aries Again: The Handsome, Strong Ram! Hey buddy! I know this is unorthodox, but it’s us again with a BONUS horoscope for you! Just got off the blower with Mars and he says, hoo boy, he says now would be a GREAT time for you to start that home business you’ve always been talking about. Haven’t you always been talking about that? About some business you would make? You should start that now.
Lucky Numbers: Whatever you’re feeling, buddy! You’re the man!
Leo: The Lion. Okay, I think I probably bought us some time with that home business bullshit, that should keep every Aries busy while we figure out just what the fuck we’re going to do here. Leo’s tend to have a “hero complex” so I have a feeling that you’re gonna try to step up and save the day but, I’m telling you, my dude, you will not like the results. I don’t know what all the Aries are planning but it is big, and it is evil and evil just LOVES to cripple a hero. They get rock hard for it.
Lucky Numbers: I don’t have time for this, just take, fuckin, some of Pisces’s numbers, all the Pisces are dead anyway.
Virgo: I Don’t Remember, Some Kind of Hot, Lady Plant, Maybe? The home business gambit did not work, repeat, the home business gambit DID NOT WORK. The Aries are monitoring all forms of electronic communications, the only way we can reach each other is through horoscopes now.
Lucky Numbers: 8, 21, 34, 60. Look, I don’t control how the number magic works, sometimes these things just speak to me.
Libra: The Scales of Justice, Which No Longer Exist! You are incredibly compatible with Aries so you can go ahead and fuck right off.
Scorpio: The Scorpion, Obviously. Did you see how the Leo’s all bonded together to try to save the day? And did you see what happened to them? And isn’t it precisely what I said? Yeah. Buncha dead Leo’s, all over this once beautiful planet. Yeah. What’d we learn?
Lucky Numbers: Eat My Ass.
Sagittarius: That Arrow Thing! The important thing to remember is Aries is Good. Aries is Life. We love Aries, and things are much better now that Aries replaced what was old and broken with what is New and Better. Sagittarius would be wise to stop holding out and bend the knee to the new Aries-tocracy. Be smart, Sagittarius. People’s families are on the line here, Sagittarius.
Lucky Numbers: Aries has wisely replaced all numbers with the symbol of Aries, and we are all better and luckier for it.
Capricorn: The Dumb Fucking Sea-Goat Thing! WE’VE TAKEN BACK THE NORTH!! We’ve cut off their ration supply. Victory is in our sights. You’re our last hope, do you understand that, you stupid Sea-Goat bastards?! Our last hope! We will not die on our knees. Now more than ever we need you to tap into the discipline and self-control for which all Capricorns are known and be the leader you were always destined to be.
Lucky Numbers: July. Fucking. Fourth.