Contour Your Cat's Nipples So They're Less Disgusting
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Contour Your Cat’s Nipples So They’re Less Disgusting

Regardless of their sex, your cat can have anywhere from 4 to 10 nipples, because God hates cat owners and wants to punish us. They’re horrifying, and they love showing them off like common whores. I’ve been to every vet in Los Angeles County and they all refused to remove my cat’s unsightly nipples, so there’s only one thing left to do: make these disgusting monstrosities pretty! Here’s a step-by-step guide to contouring your cat’s nipples so they’re less offensive to everyone.

Step 1: Pin Your Cat Down With The Strength Of An Almighty Amazon

Cat nipples

Hold your cat down. Try again. And again. Oh god, you got scratched. Screw it – make one of those medieval torture racks in your cat’s size and just strap them in. Or use a sex swing. Whatever it takes to keep that little bastard still.

Step 2: Gather Your Supplies

Regular contouring powder won’t work here unless you have one of those hairless cats. (In this case, nipple contouring is even more vital! You can see everything on those naked fetus-looking monstrosities.) Get yourself a cream bronzer that will cling to your cat’s fur. Bonus: If your cat tries to lick it off, they will get sick and their gross nipples might fall off. Sunless tanning sprays are also pretty good at clinging to cat fur. It all depends on the look you’re going for.

Step 3: Draw Abs On Your Cat

You’re going to want to outline each nipple in bronzer to start contouring. It should look like your cat has chiseled, sexy abs. If your cat has an odd number of nipples, your cat is even more of a nipple abomination than the average cat and you may need to draw a five-pack or an even more ungodly seven-pack.

Step 4: Highlight, Highlight, Highlight

Apply highlighter directly onto those nipples, rather than around them over the bronzer. I recommend getting a highlighter stick and not the kind you apply with your fingers because you don’t want to give your slutty cat mixed signals. You can also use a brush. Take as much distance from those things as you need.

Step 5: Blend!

Blend the bronzer and highlighter together using your makeup brush. This should give your cat’s nipples some nice dimension. If you do it right, your cat’s nipples should look like a human boob/ab crossover and therefore less unnatural-looking than cat nipples. Don’t forget to throw away the makeup brush in disgust.

Step 6: Get Some Pasties For Those Damn Things

Even though the contouring has made them less objectively awful, the actual nipples are still there, waiting to be flashed whenever you have guests over and horrify them out of your social circle. For such events, get some pasties on those things! Pasties generally come in heart and flower shapes, but if you go to Etsy you can find nipple pasties shaped like everything from Pikachu to Jerry from Rick And Morty. I tried commissioning my favorite Etsy seller to make pasties that say “CAUTION: CAT NIPPLES,” but so far, I haven’t heard back.

Congratulations! If you followed these instructions correctly, your cat is finally fit to show itself in public! Also, sorry if your cat is nursing kittens. Between the milk-blocking pasties and toxic bronzing agents, they will definitely die.

Hana Michels
Hana Michels

Author - Hana - Editor - Warrior

Hana Michels has written for The Hard Times, Funny Or Die, McSweeney's, Shout Factory, Splitsider and others because her parents are therapists.

2 Comments
  1. Just came by to see if I had been doing alright on my own. Question: do the same rules apply for apossums? Does this count as me “being weird about it?”. Thanks. Love you.

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