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…Four turtles and a rat found dead of toxic poisoning…
…Colonel Sanders Found to Have Never Served in the Military…
…Ophthalmologist: Glasses Are Sexy…
…Quiz: Do You Have A Savior Complex Or Are You Just Jesus?…
…Entertainment personality ahead in the polls…
…Scientists find that Vaping is dope AF…
…“Specialist” not a real designation…
…All the news that isn’t really news…
…Quiz: Does He Know You’re Illiterate? …
…Roast Beef: Lunch Meat or Middle Toe? Little Piggies Respond…
Cigarettes linked to cancer!
…World Awaits Next Carrot Top Prop…
…Mannequins found in store window…
…Christmas Scheduled to Happen Again This Year…
…10 Out Of 10 Car Salesmen Agree, You Need A New Car…
…San Francisco and Oakland make up; will become one city…
…For sale: baby shoes, never worn…
…Woman Credits Bikini Bod to “Thousands of Tiny Stomach Worms…
…AMBER ALERT: Amber Tamblyn…
…2019 NHL Season Put On Ice…
…The Academy Awards ‘In Memoriam’ Forgets To Mention Macaulay Culkin For The Third Year In A Row…
…BREAKING NEWS: New Yorkers shocked to learn Staten Island isn’t part of New Jersey…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Africa Is Not A Country…
…God found dead in space…
…Thoughts and prayers found to be cancerous…
…AMBER ALERT: Spoon; Last seen running away with a Dish…
…Camcorder found in uncle bob’s basement, police investigate…
…15 found dead in Warner Bros. Water Tower, at the Warner Movie lot…
…Study finds that 9 out of 10 studies are for nerds…
…BREAKING: Grandmother Not Actually As Proud Of You As She Says…
…Medieval Times to get modern update…
…Waldo found… Nope, not him…
…Forks and outlets: you decide…
…Quiz: Which 90s Murderer Are You?…
…”Peacoat” not what name suggests…
…BitCoins Revealed To Be Pogs All Along…
…Lindbergh baby missing…
…4-8-15-16- … eh, Lost sucks…
…Tropic of Cancer sues Caribbean Medical Board for copyright infringement…
…Waldo still missing…
…AMBER ALERT: Tiffany Amber Thiessen…
…Local Mom Still Talking About Tupperware…
…I fucking hate this job… Also, Brian is an asshole…
…Cancer and Death to marry… cigarettes devastated…
…Forever 21 Turns 34 this year…
…Trump revealed to actually be doing the Harlem Shake for the past 18 months…
Cancer linked to death!
…Hats are cool…

How To Tell Your Girlfriend You’re Just A Bunch of Cats

Hi! I’m Daniel O’Brien, author, friend, and retired rollerblader. I’ve never claimed to have all the answers and I didn’t start out writing because I wanted or expected to get into the advice business. But I’m a public-facing person who is both happy and successful and can generally navigate most situations with some degree of positivity, so people frequently reach out to me asking for “the secret.” And while I don’t pretend to be an expert, from time to time, I will invite readers to ask me their questions about life, love, this industry, and anything else that comes to mind. I vow to answer to the best of my ability.

Dear Daniel,

I’ve been a big fan of your work here at BunnyEars and at “the old place.” Also, I love your books about presidents! You’ve always been great about putting modern political moments into historical context in a way that has always comforted me. It’s been really helpful. My question is this: I’ve been dating this woman for about 8 months and I really, really like her, like I’ve never felt this way before. My problem is I’m just a bunch of cats stacked on top of each other in a loose-fitting button-up shirt and some sensible, modern slacks. Sometimes I wear suspenders, sometimes a hat. SHE DOESN’T KNOW YET and I’m worried that when I tell her she’ll break up with me or worse. We’re doing REALLY WELL as a couple right now, so should I keep the lie going forever or be honest? She’s in love with this version of me; does it matter that it’s not the REAL version?

Sincerely,
Just Some Cats

Dear JSC,

A recent study showed that the majority of divorced people agreed that the secret to a good relationship was communication (it’s assumed that they’re pulling from their own experience of what was the missing ingredient that damned their relationships). In that same study, though, we learned that married people, to a vast majority, will tell you that the real key to a successful relationship is respect.

I think your relationship could do well to have a healthy dose of both.

Communication: You say that you’re getting close right now and that things are going really well, but as long as you have this big lie hanging over your head(s), that can’t be completely accurate. At the end of the day, you’re holding back a pretty important part of your being (i.e., you are many cats instead of a human adult). You have two options here: you can tell your beloved that you’re a bunch of cats and live with the consequences, or you can continue the lie knowing that eventually she’ll figure it out, possibly during a long, emotional fight or possibly when she unzips your pants and instead of a penis several cats spill out. Either way, she’s going to find out; it’s up to you if you want to be in front of this situation.

I don’t want to force your hand (paws) here, but most relationships forged in lies don’t last. A house built on a foundation of sand cannot stand,

Respect: Love is respect, love is respect, love is respect, love is respect.

If you’re holding this secret back from her, it means you don’t think she can handle it, which means you don’t respect her. That’s some throwback bullshit, that’s you holding back something to protect her while ignoring the strong woman that she undoubtedly is. Do you really think you’re the first bushel of cats she’s dated?

Unlikely!

If you really love her, then that means you respect her. And if you really respect her, that means you should have the confidence that she can handle your true self (selves). The best case scenario is she finds out who you are and loves you for you. The worst case scenario is she finds out who you are and DOESN’T love you, which honestly isn’t that bad because you shouldn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love the real you. (The middle-case scenario is you trick her forever and everyone is lying all the time. Which, sure, if you can pull that off for forty years, Mazel Tov, but again it means living a lie.)

Lives are blessed by the chances we take, the love we share, the moments we experience and the truths we offer. Lives are cursed by regrets. You are many cats, and each cat has nine lives. I’m not a math guy, but that’s a whole lot of lives with a whole lot of chances for doing something you’d regret. Tell her the truth.

Finally, here’s your first free lesson in self-love: drop the “just” from your name, “Just Some Cats.” You’re not just some cats in the same way that no rose is just a rose. You are Some Cats. Be proud. Show people who you are and they will love you for it.

Daniel O’Brien
Daniel O’Brien

Author - Presidential Expert

Daniel O’Brien is the author of How to Fight Presidents, Your Presidential Fantasy Dream Team, the head writer for The De-Textbook and a senior editor for You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News (now a New York Times Bestseller). He is one of the original founding members of Cracked.com, an award-winning comedy website and now he travels the world with his very woke dog Jackson. He values his privacy but can be found on Twitter.

7 Comments
  1. Daniel your awesome. I’ve always enjoyed your work and this column has brightened an otherwise pretty awful day. Thank you.

  2. Man, this really struck a chord with me. How lives are blessed with the chances we take, and cursed with regrets. I’m going through some stuff right now, and the more serious aspects of this piece are so relatable, in some ways it feels like it was written for me. Even if in other ways, it’s inherently silly and clearly isn’t for me (the letter’s addressed to several cats in a relationship, whereas I’m several hamsters in a CEO position).

  3. I’m just a bunch of goldfish and, although I’d never want to meet them face to face, I’d really like to connect with a bunch of cats online in order to support each other through our respective situations.

  4. Obviously this advice column is just an elaborate ruse to avoid telling @drmistercody (of “Some News” fame) your real feelings; the fact that he is on record declaring himself a “dog person” (https://youtu.be/TjTTLbtsL38) is just meat on the bones if this sad, sad lie.

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