Avian Toast: Making Bread From Live Birds
Avian toast was created out of necessity to take control of my diet as well as controlling my urge to throttle anything anytime the news is on. Being from the South brings its own set of standards; I’m self-reliant, rustic, and there’s nothing I enjoy more than breaking bread with family and friends. I can bake up your standard loaf, classic biscuits to go with gravy, as well as craft a divine dumpling. While I enjoy the nostalgia of home baked breads, modern science tells me that those gluten’s will be the death of me. That’s when I realized that my beloved bread is for the birds. Why couldn’t I harness their avian quality of longevity and ability to digest breads of all kinds and create an avian toast to be used at every table?
There are theories of how birds evolved from dinosaurs, while in today’s time those of us raised by humans are afflicted with allergies to our modern environment, vaccinations, and even reactions to our cherished bread; look at what it’s done to Oprah. Crushing and tossing crumbs of my homemade bread to pigeons moving concentric circles closer toward me I reached out and grabbed the solution by its feathered neck. The pigeon’s struggle startled me at first, but quickly I was bearing down and snapping its neck until nothing but limp calm ensued and soothed. I was ready to take it to the next level and grind that bird’s bones to bake my bread. I was going to Fee Fie Fo Fumble my way to creating a diet with more commitment than Ketogenics and more possible than paleo.
Once you have delved into the existential angst derived from the BunnyEars perfect grilled cheese, or explored the community health wonders from Birding, then you’re ready to take it to the next level and enjoy the benefits of harvesting, processing, and thriving from locally sourced starlings, or allow your taste buds to be tantalized with pigeon pumpernickel as you stalk, gather, and grind your way to holistic health.
I’ve done the research on trying to survive on a diet of just bird flesh, and found that insanity on that level nearly killed Matt Damon. Everyone knows that what does not nearly kill Matt Damon, might be good for the rest of us, but who is willing to risk it (#AskAnAffleck)? Eat the whole bird and assert your dominance in this food chain. Birds are protein and ancient grains in one tidy package.
Maintaining a mindful life is more important now during these tumultuous times. If you have ever wondered if your life is meaningless, try meditation. That should confirm it. But changing what you eat and how you obtain it can be life-affirming.
Wrestling wrens down and ripping feathers and beaks off to grind them down for a tasty collagen crust on sweetened avian toast ensures that everyone around you knows that you have what it takes to survive this shithole with style. After eight weeks on the avian toast diet I have lessened my stress levels, crafted a migrating meal plan, and virtually cured my carpal tunnel syndrome with the workout that wringing necks provides.
I have to admit that a heartier diet does come with some rugged bowel movements as nature’s fiber in the form of beaks and claws leaves your body-temple. If you clog the toilet at a friend’s home, just remind them that everything happens for a reason. #GodsPlan.
Boiling a bird down to feather my dinner table with bounty from my Grackle-laden local parking lot reminds me that like early man before me, I can conquer my environment and live to NamaSLAY another day.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…