The Best Anti-Aging Secret Is Still A Portrait That Grows Old For You
Throw out those eye creams and face masks, because the best anti-aging secret is one dating back to the 1800s—aka keeping a bewitched portrait of yourself that ages for you! Sure, the evil the portrait unleashes might lead to your downfall, but it’s worth it for that youthful, flawless skin.
You Can Skip Washing Your Face
It’s the ultimate skincare routine for those of us who can’t be bothered with complicated cleansing rituals. Are you too drunk to wash your face at night? Don’t worry about it! Your clogged pores will show up on the painting, not your face. Worried that those three bottles of wine you threw back will make you look bloated and puffy? Again: See painting. The portrait can even absorb the effects of the opium den you stumbled upon in your drunken bender (including the drug-fueled murder you committed when you thought a prostitute was actually a dragon trying to steal your gold). It’s that effective!
Creams Can Get Expensive
Buying expensive eye serums every three months can really add up. Selling your soul one time is by far the cheaper option. Plus, all those fancy creams and lotions will never be able to achieve the same deep-down results as a good old-fashioned bewitched portrait, no matter how diligently you stick to your skincare regiment. Ask yourself: Do you want to continuously spend your time and money at the beauty counter at Barneys, or do you want to hand a bag of coins to a mysterious man with a scar and a story to tell?
It Stimulates Collagen
Collagen powder might not live up to the hype, but an image that slowly morphs into the monster you truly are inside works every time. Scientifically, it’s the best way to stimulate collagen growth, keeping your skin young despite the heinous atrocities you commit on a daily basis.
Even Your Hands Won’t Age
Hands are often the first part of the body to show signs of aging. However, not when you’re using The Painting. It knows all—what you do at night, the blackest parts of your dark soul, and yes—even the most common areas for sun spots! There’s nothing better than hearing an old college friend say “Why, you look exactly the same as when I knew you twenty years ago!” right before you stab them in the stomach.
You Die When The Painting Dies
You have achieved the closest thing to immortality that man will ever know. Nothing can kill you, and you can kill all you want. You are a god among men. And what other beauty routine will give you those results? Retinol? We don’t think so!
If you can’t find a young artist to paint you who is both impressed and infatuated by your beauty, you can always paint yourself at the next Painting and Wine Night. Just make sure you sufficiently curse it.