Choose Circumcision! We Need To Keep Appeasing The Foreskin Wizard
The removal of a baby boy’s penis foreskin shortly after birth is a common to the point of mundane medical procedure. It takes a couple of minutes, it doesn’t hurt, and the boy grows up to have a normal-looking penis that isn’t subject to the hygienic and infectious horrors that befall the rare individual with an uncircumcised penis.
However, some activists say that this almost ritualistic separation of a boy from a naturally given sheath of penis skin is akin to genital mutilation, no different from the deplorable practices that go down at the hands of primitive, misogynistic warlords in the developing world. And you know what? Maybe, despite the arguable benefits of foreskin removal, they’re right. At the very least, opponents of the practice assert, the child should get a say in the matter.
These stances are short-sighted and very dangerous. People against infant foreskin removal have somehow forgotten, or just don’t care, about why it is that we as a society circumcise male babies in the first place: to appease the powerful and tempestuous foreskin wizard.
All fear and praise be to thee, the one we know as Mentulax, who lives atop the Dark Volcano at the edge of the Earth! If we do not consistently provide him with a bountiful tribute of newborn foreskins, it is at our own extreme peril. Those calling for a ban on male circumcision have somehow forgotten the pact between our world and Mentulax, which, although tenuous due to Mentulax’s frightening and wicked nature, has remained intact for centuries. Is the agreement between the leaders of our world with the foreskin wizard, in which we deliver to him upon the Dark Volcano a weekly offering of exactly 50,000 newborn baby skins amount to a hostage situation? Certainly, and I don’t think Mentulax would disagree. (Praise Mentulax!) But do we really want to see what would happen if, even once, we denied the Foreskin Wizard his 50,000 foreskins?
While no human has ever survived a personal encounter (including the Brave Ones, who, each week for thousands of years, sacrifice themselves by delivering the foreskins to Mentulax), we do have some idea of how the foreskin wizard would react. It’s all written in the Mentulax Liberix, the obsidian tablets found at the foot of the Dark Volcano into which Mentulax reportedly used his laser-like eyeballs to inscribe his demands. Translated from a primitive form of Latin, Mentulax says that if he neglected to receive a weekly foreskin offering, or if it were even one foreskin short of 50,000, he would “tear the Earth asunder, raining fire upon the cities that the subsequent tidal waves of all seas could not extinguish.” And some of you jerks want to stop circumcising babies? To call his bluff?!
PRAISE HIM WITH FORESKIN
One common argument for ending the tribute to Mentulax (praise Mentulax!) is that nobody knows exactly what he does with all those foreskins. Some speculate that he eats them, thereby absorbing their innate masculine energy. Others believe he casts spells with them that ensure his power never wanes. A few think that he uses them to control the weather. More recently, a handful of so-called “experts” say he mines them for bitcoin. We don’t know, we may never know, and we can’t know. It is not for us to know. Frankly, it’s irrelevant, and I don’t think we should push the matter.
Let us continue, then, to circumcise our baby boys and deliver unto Mentulax, the foreskin wizard, those foreskins. Our very lives depend on chopping up all those infant penises.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…