bunnyears

…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
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…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
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…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
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…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
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…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…

My New Year’s Resolution Is To Shove My Son Back Up In There

new year's resolution

Listen, I know every mommy blogger likes to pretend her child is Jesus incarnate, but let’s be real, my son wouldn’t even be bible worthy. He wouldn’t even be that guy in Gomorrah who shouted “look out!” He’s a nobody. Not a single ode has been written to my child since he was born. Not one. My son is a big piece of shit who has brought me no pride or glory and my New Year’s resolution is to shove him back up in there.

He’s Defied Me Since Day One

Ever since my son was born he has gone against my every wish. I wished for him to be a newborn prodigy, and he pooped himself. I wished for him to learn advanced gymnastics and instead he just learned to walk like a fucking baby. I wished for him to say “mommy” as his first word and he said “gumball.” That’s either a reference to sugar or television and I resent both! He even went and got himself secretly vaccinated on his 10th birthday. The nerve. Clearly, the only solution is to start all over. I gave birth to you, you little brat, and I can un-give it, too!

He Got A “B”

My son got a B in Biology. A B! Not even a B+! How I’m supposed to look the other mommy bloggers in the eyes after that one I don’t know. But I feel no shame looking my son in the eye and saying “If you’re gonna get Bs I’m gonna shove you right back up my C, mister!”

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He Took An Improv Class

Look, we’re a pretentious arts family just like everyone else in our Pacific Palisades neighborhood. We believe every creative endeavor has merit. EXCEPT IMPROV. Improv is sketch comedy for people who can’t write sketch comedy. It’s theater for people who are too ugly to pursue theater. It’s stand up for people without an artists’ alluring inner turmoil! Also, every single improv teacher is some sort of sex creep. Prove me wrong! The fact that MY child, the fruit of MY loins, wants to be an improviser means he’s getting shoved right back up in them.

When I Was Pregnant I Got To Be Such An Asshole

Since my son’s birth, he has never, ever, given me an excuse to be a brazen asshole. Why even have kids if not for the excuse to boast and be rude? I can’t say “Sorry, it’s the hormones!” when I’m just on my period because that would reflect poorly on women. You know what wouldn’t reflect poorly on women? Shoving my teenage son back up into my uterus so I can be a proud pregnant asshole again. I can’t wait to scream at any smell or person that disgusts me.

It’s The Ultimate Time Out

My son has been a huge disappointment and I will not rebirth him until he changes his ways. Sure, he vapes in his room, but would he have the audacity to vape in my womb? I think not! Honestly, this is the perfect punishment. 2019 is gonna be great.

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Images: Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay

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