My New Year’s Resolution Is To Shove My Son Back Up In There

June 18, 2022 by , featured in Parenting
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Listen, I know every mommy blogger likes to pretend her child is Jesus incarnate, but let’s be real, my son wouldn’t even be bible worthy. He wouldn’t even be that guy in Gomorrah who shouted “look out!” He’s a nobody. Not a single ode has been written to my child since he was born. Not one. My son is a big piece of shit who has brought me no pride or glory and my New Year’s resolution is to shove him back up in there.

He’s Defied Me Since Day One

Ever since my son was born he has gone against my every wish. I wished for him to be a newborn prodigy, and he pooped himself. I wished for him to learn advanced gymnastics and instead he just learned to walk like a fucking baby. I wished for him to say “mommy” as his first word and he said “gumball.” That’s either a reference to sugar or television and I resent both! He even went and got himself secretly vaccinated on his 10th birthday. The nerve. Clearly, the only solution is to start all over. I gave birth to you, you little brat, and I can un-give it, too!

He Got a “B”

My son got a B in Biology. A B! Not even a B+! How I’m supposed to look the other mommy bloggers in the eyes after that one I don’t know. But I feel no shame looking my son in the eye and saying “If you’re gonna get Bs I’m gonna shove you right back up my C, mister!”

He Took an Improv Class

Look, we’re a pretentious arts family just like everyone else in our Pacific Palisades neighborhood. We believe every creative endeavor has merit. EXCEPT IMPROV. Improv is sketch comedy for people who can’t write sketch comedy. It’s theater for people who are too ugly to pursue theater. It’s stand up for people without an artists’ alluring inner turmoil! Also, every single improv teacher is some sort of sex creep. Prove me wrong! The fact that MY child, the fruit of MY loins, wants to be an improviser means he’s getting shoved right back up in them.

When I Was Pregnant I Got to Be Such an Asshole

Since my son’s birth, he has never, ever, given me an excuse to be a brazen asshole. Why even have kids if not for the excuse to boast and be rude? I can’t say “Sorry, it’s the hormones!” when I’m just on my period because that would reflect poorly on women. You know what wouldn’t reflect poorly on women? Shoving my teenage son back up into my uterus so I can be a proud pregnant asshole again. I can’t wait to scream at any smell or person that disgusts me.

It’s The Ultimate Time Out

My son has been a huge disappointment and I will not rebirth him until he changes his ways. Sure, he vapes in his room, but would he have the audacity to vape in my womb? I think not! Honestly, this is the perfect punishment. 2019 is gonna be great.

Images: Pixabay

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  1. Yeah, good luck with that. And if you succeed, try it with other people’s unruly kids you have to babysit and let me know how that works out.

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