Parents hate it! Old people fear it! The government technically allows it under the Religious Liberty and Charitable Donation Protection Act of 1998! It seems that teens these days are scrambling to try out the hot new trend of church-taxing, or “chaxing.” It’s a lit craze that involves a 8323 tax form, one signed and notarized Church Pledge of Financial Sacrifice, and at least one half of your monthly salary!
It all began when teens started posting photos of themselves filling out charitable contributions forms, boasting the various thousands they were donating to my Church Of False-Vestigially. Soon, the Internet broke as hip teens dared each other to give more and more money, even in the face of bankruptcy, as religious and charitable transfers made by a debtor during bankruptcy cases are federally protected and therefore 100% legal as well as lucrative in the long run after you reap the spiritual benefits of seeding your faith with the church. Tiiiiiight!
According to our teen on the street and a series of costly legal battles, never has it been a better time to donate half or even all of your paycheck to the Divine Guru in checks payable to J. Roberts Church Corp via PayPal at [email protected] We will also accept money orders, property, and charity in the form of fidget spinners. Yaaaas!
Get woke by giving our Church the power of attorney over your estate.
I know what you’re thinking: “I’m no spring chicken, nor do I have an entire estate to sign over to the church. What can I do to get on-board this hot new craze?” Well, for starters, youth and aging are but a construct fabricated by Big Pharma to get their fingers in your wallets. Once you’ve unlocked the power of your vestigial body, you will know not the ravages of time.
Secondly, you don’t need M.C. Hammer dollas to get that C.R.E.A.M. and then give at least half of the C.R.E.A.M. to my Church. It turns out, according to the trendy kids of Facebook and Classmates.com, there are all sorts of ways to seed your faith without being Outkast rich. Teens with good credit are taking out loans, or L-chaxing, and flipping that loan back to the church. Do you have an inheritance or retirement fund coming your way? Make the church a beneficiary of it as well as your life insurance. Once you “die,” we will use your tidings to unlock the resurrecting power of your vestigial self, and you will live once more.
Chaxing is so bomb diggity that it will raise your body from the forever-abyss.
This is, as all you kids already know, where we get into the realm of “xtreme chaxing” or “chaxing level 2,” an über trend that involves groups of teens having parties where they collect and sell their possessions before moving to a church facility and signing all properties to our representatives in exchange for a modest living space in our spiritual housing tent yard. There, they will live out the remainder of their lives in service to our Great Guru. Doing this on behalf of an incapacitated friend is, of course, called “chax-punking” but still requires a written statement from the party stating that they are of sound mind and joining of their own free will. The hottest YouTube stars all shared their crunkalicious chax-punking videos before they were removed for being “too extreme” and containing “sex, graphic content, or misleading metadata & scams.” Hawt.
May you get jiggy with divine servitude of the mind and body,
“Dr.” Guru King Nartec Jeff Roberts Leader Of The Church Of False-Vestigially