Lavish Vacation Spots To Visit When You’re On The Run From The Securities and Exchange Commission

When you’re on the run from the Securities and Exchange Commission after orchestrating a massive fraudulent initial coin offering of your cryptocurrency, Skankcoin, you’re not going to hide out in some shack in Montana where there are more deer than mojitos. You earned the nearly $1 billion those dumb crypto-bros gave you of their own free will. You deserve to soak in the rays on the white sand beaches of the world’s most lavish vacation spots. Consider:

Saint-Tropez, France

One glimpse at the always-packed yacht docks and you’ll know the SEC will have a hard time picking out your exotic sports car and snail trail of used luxury condoms from all the others. This exclusive playground for the vastly wealthy nestled within the French Riviera is a perfect spot for laying low while spending big as you enjoy the fat stacks of mad cheddar that so many people – and I can’t stress this enough – willingly gave you of their own volition when they bought Skankcoin for $10,000 per coin on day one, sight unseen, even though it wasn’t technically a real cryptocurrency. Like any of them are real anyway. It’s just numbers moving around a blockchain, whatever that is.

Aspen, Colorado

Combine luxury resorts, primo skiing, and an isolation that can only be efficiently breached by private jet, and you’ve got a honeypot that attracts people from all walks of life from members of secret societies that secretly run other secret societies to people on the run for defrauding thousands with a fake cryptocurrency that began as a satirical joke on the boom and bust nature of the “get rich quick” financial fads that, admittedly, may have gone a little too far.

If you want to stare into the sunset with remorse as you wonder how you were corrupted by wealth so quickly you never even got to say goodbye to the humble pre-crypto life you’ll never have again, you can do it alongside high-end escorts atop one of Aspen’s many private resort ski slopes! Last one to the bottom has to disinfect the sex swing!

Bora Bora

The paradise you picture when you think of a place to escape when life gets you down – or, say, when the federal government seeks to end your rampage of unchecked excess and debauchery fueled by gains that were accidentally ill-gotten – pales in comparison to the beauty of Bora Bora.

As you while away your last hours of freedom in an extravagant stilt bungalow standing in water so clear you can keep an eye on the emergency money you buried in the sands below from your glass-bottom pool, you’ll reminisce about all the sex, drugs, and fast cars your sudden vast wealth opened up to you. Unfortunately, you’ll have a hard time focusing on the beautiful Polynesian sunsets glistening over tropical waters with the relentless pursuit of SEC super-agent Hector Padilla consuming your thoughts. Is he here now? What was that?! Was that him?! No, it was just one of the resort’s dolphin servants bringing me a burger.

The Maldives

Look, it’s another beautiful place filled with rich people, alright? Special Agent Padilla and the SEC will have a hard time finding you there, until they suddenly do. Then you have to scrounge up what’s left of my Skankcoin fortune and run like a bat out of hell to the next five-star resort to blend in with all the other wealthy assholes. I’m not one of them. I mean, I didn’t use to be one of them. This all started because I wanted to mock them. Now they’re all I see when I look in the mirror.

A bellhop whose palm I’ve greased so much it’s a wonder he can still hold luggage tipped me off that the feds are sniffing around. Padilla’s here. The familiar smell of his middle-class normality cuts through the refreshing scent of tropical affluence. I swear, his presence changes the molecules in the air. Time to pick a direction and ride a stolen jet ski into the horizon until I find the next place to soak in the sun while I regret making an Internet joke that got me rich for the wrong reasons. What other paradise should I visit as I desperately hold onto what’s left of my freedom? Ibiza? Jackson Hole? Bali? Hell, am I free, or am I just running laps in a worldwide prison cell built by Skankcoin?

I don’t have time to get deep like that. Gotta keep moving. Gotta keep looking up resort reviews on Trip Advisor. But be sure to catch me next time, when I tell you all about the best identities you can assume when you’re running from the Securities and Exchange Commission.