Stop Body-Shaming Men Who Don’t Wash Their Penises
As a male who doesn’t wash his penis, I am all too familiar with the types of body-shaming that men like me get. Enough is enough. It’s time I speak on behalf of all unwashed penises and end this discrimination once and for all.
I’d describe myself as having an average build—not too chiseled, but someone who the females would consider desirable. So what’s the problem here? It’s my dick. I don’t follow what many consider to be a traditional routine of personal hygiene, instead opting for what I call alternative cleanliness. Our bodies carry natural odors and bacteria that are very beneficial to our well-being, which are scrubbed away when we take upon the socially conditioned ritual of showering. It’s actually not all that uncommon nor unhealthy to go months without washing your dick. I even know a few fellow “smegmen” who have gone years without bathing their privates.
Women don’t understand this. For them, the ideal male penis is one that is cleaned daily. Women have zero tolerance for this lifestyle, and that’s why I can’t get laid. Just to be fair to you and prove that I’m not a misogynist, I do realize that some of my fellow smegmites have repulsive personalities, but that’s not me, nor is it most of us who follow this lonely road. We’re actually all pretty good guys who just really want to have sex and coincidentally don’t wash our penis. Why can’t women love us for who we are?
Thought experiment, women. Let’s say there are two men, both of equal attractiveness, but one of them covers his crotch with a Ziploc bag as he showers to keep his natural body oils intact. Who would you pick to fuck? I think your answer says more about you than it does me. Men like us don’t care about appearances and are open to dating pretty much all women who are kind, honest, loyal, geeky, sexy, skinny, long-haired, redheaded or blonde, white or Asian, cisgender, don’t have tattoos/piercings, monogamous, not feminist, free-thinking, independent, stylish, and well-mannered. So why can’t women stop being so shallow? Think about it.
Women, we aren’t asking for much. You make it sound like we’re bad guys or something. Look, everyone fucks, especially females. Why not sleep with a guy who’s penis confident and doesn’t need soap and water to be a real man? We’re here, waiting for you, and always will be. Not in an “I looked up your address on Google Maps” stalker way. We’re here in the spiritual sense, in the “your boyfriend dumped you for a slightly thinner woman, as dick-washers are wont to do” way. And when that day comes (it always does), we won’t act smug and laugh at your tears. We’ll embrace you just the way you are, as long as you meet our aforementioned strict criteria. We hope you’ll love us, too, and our unwashed penises.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…