Boy do these sting!
I am not here for it.
Say you already know your healthy husband is about to die from mysterious causes. Which life insurance policy should you choose for him?
The neighbors were admittedly displeased.
I can’t help but wonder: when will it be my turn? When will I get to delicately balance myself on four posts above some woman as she marries the man of her dreams?
What possible reason could they have to object to this beautiful forty foot silk effigy of a naked hairy Greek New Age musician?
Jesus Christ, really? I can’t wait to see the suggested ads on this one.
It’s so weird that most of us were scandalized when Prince William and Princess Kate decided to take on a third party into their marriage.
Here are some recommendations for weekend trips that will make this Valentines Day unforgettable. Even if it means you’ll never forget how bad it was.
We asked our very own Bunny Ears team what they’ve always wanted from their Valentine. Pay attention! Chances are your special someone will want one of these romantic gifts too.
No need to thank us.
If you gotta go, you gotta go mourned eternally by someone who found true love just to have it slip through their fingers by the cruelty of fate (and that double-decker bus.)
And wind chimes!
Crystals are supposed to manifest health and power but all I manifested was my swift and brutal downfall.
If you breed your children, you’re literally worse than a hypothetical love child made from the union of Hitler and Stalin, who was then was nannied by Pol Pot.
Now the little green owl will guilt you into learning the language of the lowly and the downtrodden!
I couldn’t be more thrilled.
Glaring at strangers is the newest most innovative way to cut out time wasted on your phone.
Seriously just fucking take them.
I will not let my beautiful border collie suffer alone!
This is your special time! Turn every possible opportunity into your favor.
With the right team of professionals, your child can avoid any and all consequences.
Because why shouldn’t they learn from your fears?
Get that guy fired—your way.
Yes, even seventeen months after they died in that tragic safari giraffe stampede accident.
No one else feels lonely. Ever. It’s just you, the person reading this piece right now.
Everyone loves Jane. No one likes me. So, Jane seemed like the perfect resolution.
Building a tiny walled prison is one of those chores that demands attention but doesn’t excite your passion.
Santa is the ultimate space daddy and now you may want to get your own but stay away!
You don’t even have to be dead!
It’s the only way.
And don’t forget to buy my companion book!
Same time, same place, same genetics. Eh, with modern dating, who has time to care about all three?
When was the last time a litter of helpless newborn kittens did anything nice for YOU?
It started when I saw three mysterious figures dancing around a barrel fire in the sewer.
Revenge on your sibling should fuel most of your life decisions.
I am strong, and I can forgive. Just like Ghandi.
Because god damn do they need it
“Boy, do I miss Obama! Merry X-Mas!”
It is his right to choose what I know is best for him.
There was literally no way to prevent this.
Teach that stupid furball to stop being such a basic bitch
He was known as The Captain back then.
He’s just as untamable as any beast.
If you’re comfortable with me telling your children to eat shit but not telling them to get fucked, I need to know that beforehand.
