Train Your Adorable New Puppy By Negging The Shit Out Of It

November 29, 2018 by
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Training your new puppy is key to ensuring a lifetime of easy living together and avoiding judgement by those bitchy moms at the dog park. Puppies are rambunctious little souls who must be trained bit by bit so your pup will know you’ll never push him too far. Of course, in our busy world, it can be difficult to find the time to let your dog know they can be vulnerable and docile and still be safe with you. That’s why we recommend speeding up the training process by negging the hell out of your tiny puppy angel.

Negging was introduced thousands of years ago by the world’s first asshole as a way to manipulate women. Ancient dickheads believed that making a woman feel embarrassed by telling her you’re surprised she’d try to pull off that hair color made her vulnerable and eager to impress you. This doesn’t actually work well on human women, who tend to have fully functioning brains, but it works astoundingly well on stupid baby dogs.

First Steps

Starting with the basic command “focus” gives you a solid foundation. “Focus” grabs your puppy’s attention, traditionally with the offer of a treat. With our faster, more efficient negging plan, you will instead approach your puppy, snap your fingers, and say “focus.” Your puppy will try to show dominance by ignoring you, to which you should respond “What are you, like, a cat or something?” This will grab his attention for sure. MRIs have shown that dogs are aware of how stupid cats are by four weeks of age.

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“Sit” is an excellent second step. This is where understanding your dog’s self-image issues can be really handy. For instance, if your dog is a stocky wittle corgi baby, the best neg might be something like “It’s funny how short girls’ legs always look like drumsticks when they’re standing.” This should provoke a useful shame response, and your pup will sit to draw attention away from her stubby stems. Similarly, if you have a lanky hound breed, shouting “Hey, Big Bird! Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?” should work as well.

Cementing The Lessons

Now that your puppy’s appropriately unsure of himself, throw him further off-balance with cuddle time. This will help cement the knowledge that overcoming their flaws will lead to rewards, which you can gradually decrease as the behavior sets in. Never let your puppy think they’re entitled to rewards, no matter how cute their little earsies are.

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Breed-Specific Negging

While all dogs go to heaven, most breeds have specific self-image issues, giving you fertile ground for training-related negging. German shepherds are the easiest breed to neg. A surefire route is to deliver all commands in German. They don’t speak it, and they’re terrified anyone will find out.

Golden retrievers, on the other hand, are the most difficult because they are often so genial and stupid they don’t understand that they’re being insulted. However, they are notably vain about their glossy, fluffy coats. Undermine their self-worth with digs like “Wow, I just saw a coat like that at Walmart” or “Red-golden, huh? I heard that was out this year.” Your beautiful dog will be a trembling, obedient mess in no time.

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