Welcome to The Beginner’s Guide to [Blank], our recurring series where our experts provide everything you need to know about your new endeavor, regardless of what it is. Life is full of exciting opportunities, and while it’s fine to tackle a new adventure on your own, we here at Bunny Ears know that it’s better to have an experienced guide to help on your journey.
This week we’ll be taking you through:
The Beginner’s Guide To Ethical Fur: Accentuate With Whole Live Animals
As someone who became a vegan a week and a half ago, I have some good news for all my veggie bunnies out there: Just because you no longer eat animals doesn’t mean you have to stop decorating your home and person with them. I’m not talking about resorting to fake fur. (Ugh, can you imagine?) I mean, I’m sure it’s painful to be killed for your pelt, but it can’t possibly be as painful as showing up to Chez Fucc in a coat that looks like it was patched together from a retired Muppet. You can still enjoy luxurious ethical fur. You just can’t kill the animals. Here are my fave creature comforts.
Forget Sheepskin—Snuggle A Live Sheep
When it comes to sheer sensuality, nothing beats sheepskin. Before I became a vegan several days ago, I had an incredible pair of sheepskin pillows. I loved to dig my fingers into them when my Basque masseur, Tomas, would really lay into me during a particularly aggressive round of Shiatsu or lovemaking. Since burning all of my animal products in a self-forgiveness bonfire, I’ve missed those pillows.
But not anymore! I recently invested in an actual live sheep pillow. Like, a whole living sheep that a service brought to my home and that my housekeeper, Jolina, cares for. It’s hard to get the sheep to sit still when she’s on the sofa, but I just tie her little hooves together. I find that really cuts down on the nervous energy that keeps her from enjoying me putting my head on her while I read the backs of different organic tea boxes.
Sure, a living sheep is a little harder to care for than a pillow. Once a week, Jolina has to take the sheep to some kind of … animal laundry, I guess? Is that the right word? It may be difficult work for Jolina and no one else, but the ability to enjoy fur in my home again is worth it.
Don’t Hang Up A Deer Head—Hang Out With A Bunch Of Deer
I love how a deer head looks against the dark mahogany of a study. Sure, I could buy a deer head made from cardboard or the bones of people who donated their bodies to Science, LA’s top pink vodka distillery. But there’s no time to wonder what they do with the bodies there—you need to trap a live deer in your study! There’s actually precedent for the super-wealthy keeping ruminants in their homes. Tycho Brahe, the 16th-century astronomer, used to party with a live moose. Like him, I am also a raging alcoholic, so a few open windows and some exotic urine were all it took to fulfill my decoration needs.
Pom Pom-Pom (Pom-Pom Pom?)
The upside of the autumn weather turning chilly is breaking out your coziest hats. I admit, before I became a vegan within the last lunar cycle, I loved to wear a beanie with a fox fur pom-pom. Now, because I am enlightened, I realize that being better than other people doesn’t mean giving up things that I enjoy. That’s why I’ve purchased several living teacup Pomeranians to wear as hats.
To clarify, I only wear one Pomeranian at a time. I just keep having to replace them because my rural estate is having something my gardener calls “coyote problems.” I’m not 100% sure what that’s a euphemism for, because I’m not that interested in my gardener’s work. What I do know is that my ever-increasing Pomeranian allowance is a luxury I can afford! Small dogs are the best.
Just Wear A Whole Live Mink
Some people are very rude about me being a vegan. They say things like “But what will you wear to the opera?” or “Maybe you should donate that pallet of organic tuna to a food bank instead of sending it to a landfill.” Well, to them I say a) I would never ask poor people to eat something I myself would never eat since I became a vegan 10 days ago, and b) it turns out you can purchase a whole live mink to wear on formal occasions.
Mink are carnivorous, so when you wear one to the opera or a dinner, try to wear earrings that will distract the animal from its inherent desire to eat your face. When things get really bad, I like to point the mink’s little teeth in the direction of my best friend Chandrilene Marcusi, who once wore the same La Perla bra as me to our sex pilates class. I hate that bitch. Go ahead, little mink, eat your heart out! And hers!