This Plant-Based Colombian Breakfast Will Give You All-Day Energy
Hey, how’s it going? You can’t answer that! The last three sentences, including this one, have a total of 34 vowels in them. I counted them because I feel great! And you know what? You can feel great too thanks to a brand-new organic breakfast trend currently sweeping my apartment faster than when I literally swept my entire apartment in under two minutes earlier today! Thanks to a single plant, I now have so much fucking all-day energy that I’ve been going non-stop for the last 18 hours and am currently writing this at 4:15 in the morning! I’ve cleaned my car, wrote a short sci-fi story about alien sheep, and learned how to bake a cake while losing pounds of weight ALL IN A DAY!
I made this fucking cake but wasn’t hungry enough to eat it!
The Sci-Fi Story I Wrote Is Bananas!
It’s called “EWE-F-O” and it explores a reality in which sheep were secretly put here by an alien race in order to spy on us… literally in “sheep’s clothing”! Think Invasion Of The Body Snatchers meets Babe. I’ve already created 34 different magazine collages as illustrations. I think it’s probably a satire.
Anyway, none of this would have been possible had I not gone to South America over Thanksgiving and discovered my new leaf-based diet!
Here’s how it works:
A group of locally-owned farmers harvest the leaves of coca (a plant that we’ve been using in all kinds of products for years)! before soaking them in a mixture of something called “petrol” (sounds exotic)! It’s then filtered through a cloth, dried, and then mixed with a few more “secret” ingredients I was unable to determine from the very nice energy specialists I spoke to. In fact, they were so nice that they even hid a surprise supply in my butt for when I got back to the states! And the best part? You can have this breakfast any way you like: in your morning coffee or iced tea or snorting it directly into your nose or even on your toast!
No matter your technique this breakfast is guaranteed to fill you up without filling you out with harmful carbs or sugars! The result not only cures most aches and pains, but gives you just the boost you need to keep going for another 12-72 hours provided you keep ingesting the plant every three hours. No need to set a reminder alarm; your body will do that for you!
LOOK AT HOW FUCKING CLEAN MY BATHROOM IS!
I Literally Can’t Stop Typing! HELP!
Listen listen look listen I know that there are a lot of “all natural energy” supplements going around and sometimes it is hard to know which ones are actually effective and which ones are simply snake oil… but I swear on my mother’s jewelry that this is the real deal. All I need is like, $400 or $500 dollars whenever you have the chance. I can totally get you involved in this low-carb, high-energy organic breakfast if you get me that cash. $600, that’s all I need. And you know I can pay you back for that. I’m in a weird financial gap right now with this new bitcoin I purchased last night but the moment it pays out I’ll spot you ten-fold. Not to mention that I already got a few bites on my sheep story. So it’s not even going to cost you the full $700, and honestly you’re gonna come out of this a lot richer than when you got in. If you have any old books or something you need sold I can totally go do the leg work for you.
I just need like a thousand bucks to get us that delicious Colombian breakfast and together we can go to the FedEx store and make some more of these sheep collages. Or shit—what if instead of a short story we start a concept band about sheep? My cousin has a drum set in his garage and we can drive there tonight if you want. So what are you waiting for? It’s the most important meal of the day! Make it the right one! I just have to use the bathroom real quick before we get going.