Stop Being So Goddamn Sad All The Time (And Buy My Book)
Hey, hey, it’s ya bo, Kai Jett Tripperson! I’m a life coach, a self-help author with really good Amazon reviews from both my parents, and well-versed in the art of making love to women of all ethnic backgrounds and zodiac signs. Today, I’ve got some joy hacks for all you Debbie Downers out there going through “sadness,” “grief,” or “crippling, intractable depression.”
First off, you see those sad words up above? Crumple them up and Kobe-toss them right into the garbage can. Positive people don’t use mopey language. Reframe your thoughts in a more cheerful way. Instead of saying “I’m in mourning because my cat was viciously torn apart by coyotes,” upcycle that feeling into “I’m currently reevaluating my situation as a pet owner, as my cat’s status has changed from ‘alive’ to ‘dead.'” Instead of saying “I’ve been medically diagnosed with depression,” try this out for size: “Doctors found out my funny bone isn’t very humerus, haha, I can’t feel laughter inside.” For more information on positive word-choice, buy my e-pamphlet, Betting on the Alphabet: How Changing Your Vocabulary to Wokeabulary Will Make You Happier, Wealthier, and More Sexually Successful.
Why bother being sad? “Sad” is just a frame of mind. But you know what else are frames of mind? Happiness, being #blessed, and that whooshing feeling you get in your loins when you drive your Lambo down a steep incline in the Hollywood Hills.
There are so many other great emotions to choose from that aren’t sadness, like joy, elation, surprise, excitement, and umami. I can’t imagine why people would choose to be sad when there are all these other options, including going to Tahiti for a few weeks to drink rosé until you need to get your private surgeon to shove another kidney inside you. For more information on other feelings to have besides sadness, buy my audio novella, Have You Ever Tried Being Happy? You Should Give It A Try, My Dude.
Finally, if you’re having trouble changing your sad lifestyle, just envision yourself as a happy person. Whenever you’re about to do something, stop to think “Would a happy person do this?” If the answer is no, recalibrate your plans. A happy person would go to the dog park to pet dogs. A happy person would take long, solitary drives while repeatedly speed-dialing his ex, leaving lengthy and heartfelt messages on her voicemail until it’s full. A genuinely happy person would walk out onto the balcony of the mansion where he lives alone, looking out onto his beautiful, eerily quiet estate. He would observe silently as a thick fog settles mysteriously upon his hedge maze. A happy person would then take a sip of whiskey mixed with enough ice to dilute the flavor. He actually hates whiskey, but he drinks it because the only time his father showed paternal affection was when he was soaked in the stuff. A happy person would then return to the cold chambers of his mansion, wincing at his own faint reflection in the perfectly polished marble. This joyful person would go to his study, the room where he writes his self-help literature, the room adorned with paintings of eyes. The eyes may stare at him, but at least he can see these eyes. They are not the unseen eyes of his nightmares.
For more advice on how to become a happy person, check out my new Amazon booklet, Don’t Worry, Daddy Is Proud Of You, The Eyes Can’t See You In Here: You’re Safe Now, Sweet Boy.