Off The Top Of My Head, Here’s What I Think ‘Death Stranding’s’ Going To Be About
Now, I’m just about the biggest idiot around, so when I make predictions about upcoming movies or video games, they’re usually dead wrong. But with Death Stranding, the soon-to-released Playstation exclusive from Metal Gear Solid mastermind Hideo Kojima, the plot is sure to be such gibberish that whatever I guess has a pretty high chance of being correct. That’s why I’m gonna take a couple stabs at what Death Stranding could be about. Almost no effort is going into these guesses because I honest to god feel like Hideo Kojima is doing the same. He’s just like, “What if there were test tube babies? That’d be weird, huh?” and then he peels an orange and dips a piece in ranch dressing because he is himself really, really weird. Here we go!
1. Death Stranding is about Overpopulation and/or Underpopulation
There wouldn’t be so many babies in the various Death Stranding trailers if the game didn’t have something to say about babies. My guess is that the economy has taken a turn and now no one can afford diapers, so everyone stopped having babies. That’s why, in the Death Stranding-verse, babies are kept in that weird display tube we keep seeing Norman Reedus carrying around. They’re so rare he has to put them in protective glass cases like they were a Princess Diana Beanie Baby.
2. Death Stranding is about Pizza the Hutt
All the babies in Death Stranding got me thinking that maybe the game is like Children of Men. You know, that movie where babies go away and it causes the apocalypse somehow? Anyhow, I was thinking, “What if Death Stranding were like a dumb version of Children of Men?” Then that got me thinking about Spaceballs, which is a dumb version of Star Wars. And that got me thinking about Pizza the Hutt, who was a pizza-based parody of Jabba the Hutt, and who scared me a lot as a little kid.
However, I have to admit, it would be very weird if Pizza the Hutt was in Death Stranding. But you know who else is weird? Hideo Kojima. Think about it. Just—just think about it.
3. Death Stranding is about the Decline of Baseball as a Beloved American Pastime
There is absolutely no baseball in the Death Stranding trailer. Remind you of anything? How about American popular culture? Baseball has practically faded from the public consciousness. I mean, who’s the most famous baseball player today? Mike Trout? I only know him because his name is also a fish’s name. Anyhow, my friends and I were talking about going to a Dodgers game next week so that’s why I think baseball’s a part of Death Stranding.
4. Death Stranding is about Being Sick and Feeling Afraid to Go See Your Doctor Because What If the News is Really, Really Bad?
The other day I found what I thought was a lump on my testicle, but it just turned out to be my epididymis (the tube that connects your testicles to the vas deferens). I was so afraid the doctor would tell me I had testicular cancer that I just didn’t go. So that’s why that was on my mind. Maybe the same thing is happening to one of the characters in Death Stranding, like, say, Mads Mikkelsen? It’s definitely possible. And likely!