Fuck Your Tree The Way It Deserves To Be Fucked This Arbor Day
Arbor Day is just around the corner, and what better day to show the tree to whom you are married or otherwise consensually committed just how much you love them? By keeping these tips in mind, you can reconnect with your tree this Arbor Day via some wild, unbelievable, mind-melting sex with that tree.
Branchplay Is Very Important
You can’t just go up to your tree and start pounding away, you know. A tree is a thing of beauty, and it needs to be romanced. That means plenty of branchplay. By the time you’ve caressed, fondled, licked, and sucked on your tree’s numerous branches, it’s going to be begging for it.
Bark Up The Right Tree
There are a lot more places where you can touch a tree to send chills down their trunk besides those two malformations you think kind of look like breasts. Did you know that bark contains more than 10,000 sexually charged nerve endings per square inch? It’s true. Basically, if you know how to touch a tree’s bark in just the right way, you can make it orgasm over and over. How do you do that? Kiss it. Gently chunk some of it off. Rub your penis on it. Whatever comes naturally when you’re out there in the woods.
The Juice Is Loose
Amazingly, lots of guys refuse to go down on their tree. They say it’s gross or that they can’t stand the taste. Who cares? Get down on your knees and lick up every last bit of that sap. Your tree will moan (or rather, rustle their branches in the wind) when you tell them that there’s not going to be anything left for the maple syrup farmers to use before you go downtown for a mouthful.
Get In The Cone Zone
As Henry David Thoreau wrote in Walden, “Pine cones are a tree’s nipples.” He’s the expert, and he’s not wrong. When you’re thrusting your junk into what you’re reasonably sure is a tree’s vagina this Arbor Day, make sure to tenderly fondle those cones. Don’t be afraid to give ’em a pinch or a bite! Just don’t break them off. That’s a deal-breaker for even the wildest of conifers.
The Hole Package
A lot of trees say they’re not interested in any sort of hole-play, but your tree might surprise you. There isn’t anything wrong with tenderly but firmly inserting a finger into a tree’s woodpecker hole, but it’s important to let your tree know what you want you to do and that you will stop if they don’t like it. They might just love it if you tentatively stick a digit into one of the many holes left in their exterior by a bird.
We’ll Leaf You To It
Some trees are into a little light leaf-tugging or -trimming. It can be very hot for your tree to feel dominated. You could even dress up as a tree doctor and do a little role play.
If you see in a cat in the tree, stop all sexual activity immediately. The presence of the cat is not an invitation by your tree for a bestiality-flavored threesome. That cat got stuck in the tree of its own volition, and you should call a fireman immediately.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
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