bunnyears

…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…

Fetish Of The Month: Objectophilia

Dating is hard. Even if you overcome your crippling shyness, mommy/daddy issues, and aversion to intimacy to the extent that you’re capable of engaging in a “normal relationship,” a.k.a. human and human, you will undoubtedly still have many hurdles to jump and bridges to burn along the way. (Please don’t burn real bridges! Bridges have feelings!) People leave, people cheat, people fall in love with their refrigerator.

Let’s face it: For one reason or another, your relationship is going to end, just like all of mine did. When it does, wouldn’t it be nice to have a backup plan? Wouldn’t it be nice to be the one with the refrigerator for once? Never fear, lonely bunnies, we are here to guide you through the benefits and pitfalls of the unconventional but highly fulfilling endeavor known as objectophilia.

Love That Lasts*

People are fickle and disappointing, but objects last forever. As an objectsexual, a sleek car, an elegant suspension bridge, or even something as simple as a perfectly curved Tupperware container could serve as your next lover or even life partner. Whether you own the object or it remains permanently in place where it was erected, your partner’s life (and love) expectancy will exceed expectations!

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*Not feeling monogamous? Find a single-use plastic bag with a cuckold fetish and reuse him as a garbage can liner next to your bed!

Hoes In Different Area Codes

Are you intrigued by rugged and mysterious Stonehenge but can’t get over a certain smooth-talking gondola in Venice? Renew that passport and hit the love train! Literally! Overseas trysts with humans are so last year, but what about with the symbol of romance itself? (Sorry, ladies, the Eiffel Tower actually married Erika Eiffel in 2007.)

Create Your Perfect Match

You don’t have to spend a lot of money or even leave your house to find love. Using common household items (shout out to all my agoraphobic objectophiles who craft!), you can Frankenstein yourself the perfect mate. If you like the playfulness of bubble wrap, the silken caress of a scarf, and the efficiency of a vacuum, who says you can’t have it all?

A Few Caveats

One major downfall of the objectsexual union is that conception, while not completely impossible, is a bit tricky. If you’re ready to be parents, it’s best to adopt until science has caught up to the times. Also, power of attorney and most legal stuff can be difficult to navigate, but don’t let anyone tell you that you and the Golden Gate Bridge don’t have rights. (Erika Eiffel already tapped that, too, by the way.)

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Another negative is that a lot of people won’t understand or respect your relationship. People on the train might be all “Hey, is this seat taken?” as you’re in the middle of a highly erotic act with your boyfriend, MTA Train Car 237543. Just know that while other people might share intimate space with your boo, only you know which buttons to push. (Don’t push the big red one unless there is an emergency. I learned that the hard way.)

Images: PixabayPixabayPixabay

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