Fetish Of The Month: Objectophilia
Dating is hard. Even if you overcome your crippling shyness, mommy/daddy issues, and aversion to intimacy to the extent that you’re capable of engaging in a “normal relationship,” a.k.a. human and human, you will undoubtedly still have many hurdles to jump and bridges to burn along the way. (Please don’t burn real bridges! Bridges have feelings!) People leave, people cheat, people fall in love with their refrigerator.
Let’s face it: For one reason or another, your relationship is going to end, just like all of mine did. When it does, wouldn’t it be nice to have a backup plan? Wouldn’t it be nice to be the one with the refrigerator for once? Never fear, lonely bunnies, we are here to guide you through the benefits and pitfalls of the unconventional but highly fulfilling endeavor known as objectophilia.
Love That Lasts*
People are fickle and disappointing, but objects last forever. As an objectsexual, a sleek car, an elegant suspension bridge, or even something as simple as a perfectly curved Tupperware container could serve as your next lover or even life partner. Whether you own the object or it remains permanently in place where it was erected, your partner’s life (and love) expectancy will exceed expectations!
*Not feeling monogamous? Find a single-use plastic bag with a cuckold fetish and reuse him as a garbage can liner next to your bed!
Hoes In Different Area Codes
Are you intrigued by rugged and mysterious Stonehenge but can’t get over a certain smooth-talking gondola in Venice? Renew that passport and hit the love train! Literally! Overseas trysts with humans are so last year, but what about with the symbol of romance itself? (Sorry, ladies, the Eiffel Tower actually married Erika Eiffel in 2007.)
Create Your Perfect Match
You don’t have to spend a lot of money or even leave your house to find love. Using common household items (shout out to all my agoraphobic objectophiles who craft!), you can Frankenstein yourself the perfect mate. If you like the playfulness of bubble wrap, the silken caress of a scarf, and the efficiency of a vacuum, who says you can’t have it all?
A Few Caveats
One major downfall of the objectsexual union is that conception, while not completely impossible, is a bit tricky. If you’re ready to be parents, it’s best to adopt until science has caught up to the times. Also, power of attorney and most legal stuff can be difficult to navigate, but don’t let anyone tell you that you and the Golden Gate Bridge don’t have rights. (Erika Eiffel already tapped that, too, by the way.)
Another negative is that a lot of people won’t understand or respect your relationship. People on the train might be all “Hey, is this seat taken?” as you’re in the middle of a highly erotic act with your boyfriend, MTA Train Car 237543. Just know that while other people might share intimate space with your boo, only you know which buttons to push. (Don’t push the big red one unless there is an emergency. I learned that the hard way.)