What Your Period Is Trying To Tell You About The NASDAQ

March 9, 2018 by , featured in Spiritual Wellness
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In our culture, when we talk about the NASDAQ Composite, most traders tend to focus on how it is “gross,” “messy,” and “not as good as the New York Stock Exchange.” But there’s a lot more to it. And, like a lot of things, the key to unlocking the NASDAQ’s deepest secrets might actually be a lot closer than you think…

I’m talking, of course, about the inside of your vagina.

I sat down over a cup of burdock, dandelion, and wild yam root tea with futures trader and board-certified reproductive acupuncturist Nils Kramperbisk to learn about what kind of insights your period can give you regarding the world’s second-largest exchange by market capitalization.


~A Q&A with Nils Kramperbisk~


Q

What are some of the most persistent myths about the NASDAQ?

A

A: One of the most pernicious myths about the stock market today is that stocks are either just going to go up forever, or else the bubble will burst and they’ll come back down. But actually, the NASDAQ is much more cyclical. In fact, if you track the NASDAQ composite over time against the lunar-tidal cycle while you’re high, you’ll see astounding resonance.

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This is just one reason why your period can tell you a lot about investing. Your body is made mostly of salt water. We come from the oceans. It stands to reason that if the moon creates tides in the ocean and in the stock market, it also does so in your cervix.


NASDAQ


Q

That sounds really confusing and frankly totally bullshitty. Can you give me a concrete example?

A

Of course. Say Berkshire Hathaway’s beta is at 1.5, but the spread on the hedge dividend is greater than the average yield in the sector. Should you pull out or double down? Your average guy on the street (that’s Wall Street) will you tell you that you can’t out-think the market and advocate developing a “fact-based trading methodology.” But I like to say: if your flow is particularly light, that’s a green light. Buy, buy, buy!


Q

Okay, that was somehow even more confusing. Can you put that layman’s terms?

A

Certainly. It’s a common myth that women’s flows are similar in volume day-to-day and period-to-period. Actually, there’s an enormous amount of variance, and that can really clue you into market volatility.

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You see, the NASDAQ crests and troughs like the tides, so when your flow is high, that can yield a great deal of information about when to invest and which stocks to look into. That’s why they always say to “stay liquid.” Incidentally, this is also precisely why I advocate a fully pescatarian diet.


NASDAQ


Q

I feel like we aren’t actually getting anywhere here. Can you just tell us what a healthy portfolio looks like in 2018?

A

There’s no easy, simple solution that fits everyone’s budget and market expectation, but as long as the NASDAQ continues to rally post dot-com bubble and NASDAQ’s merger with [leading exchange operator] OMX continues to prove viable, I think you can’t go wrong with organic cotton tampons, essential oils, and, as always, yoga, all of which you can purchase in the Bunny Ears Store.


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6 Comments

    1. Yes, but only Ethereum, Ripple and some others. Bitcoin is tied to solar flare cycles, not lunar-menstrual ones.

  1. I’ve recently come to the conclusion that my testosterone levels are tied to the CBOE Futures Exchange. Timely article. Thanks.

  2. Correct me if I’m wrong, but does this mean that the legal defence for insider trading must now be enforced in statute as “It’s not my fault I have a wide-set vagina and a heavy flow?” or is this just a mitigating factor in sentencing?

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