Summertime Treat! Freeze Your Eggs
Everyone knows the best impulse purchases involve fertility, copious doctors’ visits, and disclosing your social security number on medical forms. And is there any better way to beat the summer heat than taking your freshly harvested, frozen eggs in a cooler to all your summer picnics? We don’t think so! That’s why we at Bunny Ears are advising you to cool off by freezing those eggs that are just sitting in your ovaries, unharvested and unfrozen.
You may be saying, “But I don’t want kids!” Or, “But I don’t want to inject mood-altering, calcium-leeching hormones into my body for weeks!” Or, “Can’t I just cool off with, like, some ice cream?” It’s ok, we get it. But you’re only saying these things because you’ve never experienced the true pleasure of holding a frozen, medical grade bag of your own genetic material up against your cheek at a summer barbecue.
While everyone else at the summer gathering goes through great pains to keep track of their disgustingly grown offspring, YOUR spawn will be keeping cool, calm, and collected. Stare smugly at your friend Karen as she struggles to keep her kid from screaming and eating bugs while you sit by your cooler of well-behaved ovarian produce.
And where does the “summer treat” part of this headline come in, you ask? Consider this: You can probably eat these eggs! Probably. We at Bunny Ears haven’t actually researched or tried this, but we totally recommend it. Do you know how much cholesterol is in a chicken egg? A LOT. But HUMAN eggs are about the size of a grain of sand! Freezing your eggs and bringing them to summer gatherings isn’t just a fun conversation starter, it’s a fun, ethical snack. Talk about “meeting your meat!” It’s literally YOUR meat! (Are eggs meat? We’ve only been eating raw lemon peels for the better part of a decade.)
So forget farm-to-table. Body-to-back-in-that-same-body is where it’s at. And frozen body eggs are way more environmentally-conscious than snow cones or ice cream or whatever (except for all the medical waste you created injecting those hormones, of course). Plus, human eggs look really cute and chic on tiny toothpicks.
As a bonus, bringing your frozen eggs to summer gatherings is a fresh, subtle way to say, “I’m single and ready to mingle (and reproduce immediately before these things thaw)!” Stare seductively into the eyes of your friends’ friends while you chow down on a feast of your own potential offspring. Say things like, “There’s more where these came from!” And, “I’m also open to adoption!” Potential partners LOVE when you discuss children before even introducing yourself. Also eating your own eggs in front of someone is like, REALLY sexy. To take it to the next level, describe the various genetic disorders and issues you were screened for in order to harvest them.
If you froze your eggs for a summer barbecue or picnic and want to share the results with the Bunny Ears staff, please email us at [email protected]!