This Article Contains Three Longevity Tips for Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Certain Death for All Other Trespassers Whomst Would Gaze Upon It

June 27, 2018 by , featured in Health
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I am Ruth Bader Ginsburg: see A

I am not Ruth Bader Ginsburg: see B

A. Welcome, Justice Ginsburg!

We are truly honored by your eyeballs. To keep you alive as long as humanly possible, we have assembled a group of shamans, crystal healers, wellness advocates, voodoo priestesses, culotte tailors, and 25-year old studs who yell at us sternly about our squat form. You are so important to us that we asked an actual scientist for her opinion (a Bunny Ears first!) Here is what we came up with.


An oldie, but a goodie! We have employed a soft-spoken brunette to hand you an electrolyte mix every 15 minutes and tell you what a good judge you are for drinking it.

Eat vegetables

Remember, you’re not eating kale for one, you’re eating kale for 325 million.

I Keep Accidentally Going To Spin Classes That Turn Out To Be Cleverly Named Laundromats

Bathe in the blood of virgins

We know we’re getting pretty old school here, but our staff demonologist assures us that this works! It turns out, Utah DOES have something to contribute to the nation.

B. Woe betide you, trespasser!

These profane secrets were not meant for your eyes. You have unleashed the curse of ARREXANJE, annihilator of souls (if it makes you feel better, any unclaimed good karma in your possession will be absorbed into the longevity crystals on our RBG altar.) Writhe in pain as demons consume your flesh from the inside-out and destroy your soul from the outside-in, the most painful of flesh/soul consumption combinations!

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