We Asked A Personal Trainer For Workout Tips And Now We’re Fucking

Have you ever spied a personal training session from across the club and wished you had access to all that inside gymformation? From carb-loading to weight training, it’s hard to know how to maximize your workout without some pro tips. That’s why we decided to ask a personal trainer how to take your physical fitness to the next level, but then we ended up fucking instead. Sorry. That’s my bad. We really meant to get into this whole workout thing, but then we just got carried away with the fucking. You get it, right?

Hand stuff. Mouth stuff. Butt stuff. Everything’s been on the table. What started as a way to learn about eating five times a day, including two mini-meals between three basic meals, has turned into a full on fuck-fest. Not to be crass, but the only thing getting a workout these days is my rock hard dick.

I don’t really know how it happened. When I pitched the idea, our PR department put me in touch with Nash, who’d been looking to build up his public profile. We met up at a coffee shop to talk about his new exercise system. I can’t even remember the name of it now. The V Formula or Strength Pyramid or some bullshit like that. All I remember is that I was just there to get a few tips. Well, I got a tip, alright, along with a shaft and two balls.

And I’m not the only one. Nash ended up fucking his way through the whole Bunny Ears office, turning our weekly pitch session into an undulating orgy of sucking, slurping, and seeping liquids. Don’t expect a lot of new articles in the next week or two. We’re busy. With the fucking. I mean, I know you get that, but I just wanted to be clear.

Now, obviously, we don’t want to let you down. We’re sure you didn’t come here to read about Hana’s noxious food fetish or Mack getting his fist so far up Nash’s ass that he was tickling teeth. No, you’re just looking for some advice on how to get the most out of your workout. Honestly, I remember that. It’s just been so overwhelming, like I’m alive for the first time.

Trust me, I tried to get something, anything, gym-related out of Nash, but let’s just say I was getting something else out of him. It was semen. It’s full of complex carbohydrates, you know. Alas, I do have one suggestion if you’re sick of your usual workout: Get on down to our office and join this guilt-free gang-bang. After a week of hedonistic humping, I might be in the best shape of my life. Just know that your body can adjust to anything (trust me), so you’re going to want to switch things up as the orgy progresses. If you’ve been working pecs a lot, while blasting an editor from our Vim & Vigor section, you might want to consider doing some face sitting squats on our accountant to work a different part of the body.

I promise, we’ll have to stop at some point, for water and food, if nothing else. Whenever that is, I’ll try to ask Nash about working out. Or his last name. Or just get a handle on what day it is. So stay tuned, and stay fit!

Images: Pexels, Pexels, Pexels