These Crystals Have The Same Names As Women I Cheated On Karen With
Crystals are ever-growing in popularity lately. They have many uses and not only are they charged with energy, many of them share the same name as the many women I used to cheat on my girlfriend, Karen. These sparkly stones look lovely on the windowsill of my new extended stay hotel that I’ve been forced to move into ever since Karen found out that my New Age phase was a coverup for my egregious number of affairs. Let’s look at some of the stones I’ll be sending to Karen as a peace offering in exchange for letting me return home.
Note: While I didn’t ethically pursue the women who had no idea I used them as pawns in my cheating game, I did make sure the stones themselves were ethically sourced.
Amethyst is the name of the crystal for emotional ailments. It’s also the name of the woman from my coffee shop I had a deeply emotional affair with to avoid communicating with the girlfriend that gave me eight years of her life. The stone has also been said to stimulate the Third Eye, like the way Amethyst (the woman) manually stimulated me behind a the coffee shop as I assured her I was hella single. Purple amethyst is said to increase the psychic abilities of the user, but I certainly didn’t predict Purple haired Amethyst seeing the name “Karen, My Long Time Girlfriend” flash across the caller ID on my cell phone. They say the ancient ones called it “the gem of fire,” which is an interesting coincidence because Amethyst stood alongside Karen as they set my clothes ablaze.
Opal is most known for its ability to bring one’s traits and characteristics to the surface, which could be true. Opal, the girl I slept with while Karen planned an elaborate brunch for my mother’s birthday, was also the one to break the news of my infidelity—classic! I met Opal at her booth at the farmers market when I was supposed to be picking up eggs for said brunch. Instead of buying her eggs, I told her I had just gotten out of a long relationship and looked at her with my deceptively tender Pisces eyes. Peruvian opal is said to benefit the user’s romantic life. But Honduran Opal did not benefit my romantic life when she sent a PDF of our salacious text exchanges to Karen, along with a letter of encouragement to leave me and take everything I own with her. Opal allows for the release of inhibitions and passions so am I really fully to blame here? A large rock quarry of women would argue yes.
While the stone itself is very valuable, Karen, if you’re reading this, Jade meant nothing to me. I swear. I was married to Jade for several years and met you during a “break” I forgot to tell her about. The jade stone helps us accept truths, which is why I am begging you, Karen, to please just believe that I forgot to divorce Jade. It’s also a healing stone which is why I think we could work this out. It cleanses toxins and negativity and we can put this whole thing behind us, Karen. Just let me come home, please? I’m sharing a room with a guy that cuts his toenails with his teeth. He doesn’t have a name. He just goes by a jerking-off gesture. I’m pretty sure he’s been selling pictures of my sleeping body on the internet. Also he still likes blacklights.
Make sure to smudge the area with sage before placing your crystals on a table to charge in the sun. Karen, I’m taking the paternity test about the little girl named Sage that claims to be my daughter. Karen, honey, please let me come home.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…