A Surefire Cure For Lifelong Asthma: Kidnap Our Lawyer, And Drink His Plasma!

July 26, 2022 by , featured in Health
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Spring is a time for flowers and breezes, but if you have asthma, it just means more sneezes. That’s the reality if you’ve got a condition, one that requires expensive prescriptions. We’re speaking of asthma, a disease of the lung, which is especially bad when spring has sprung. You can go out and brave it (don’t forget your inhaler), or you could make an “appointment” with our guy, Bradley Taylor. He’ll instantly cure your cursed disease. He has a true gift. He has all the keys.

No, he’s not a doctor—Bradley’s a lawyer, and he’s long served as counsel to our employer. He confided one night when working late hours that his blood possesses magical powers. He thinks he’s the second coming of Christ, because his blood cures all sickness. Isn’t that nice?

Legal Eagle

Bradley studied at Princeton—he was first in his class—and his blood contains curious antibodies en masse. An allergist examined him for a painful, grueling week, then dismissed him as some kind of hideous freak. Bleed this dude dry, and you’ve had your last asthma attack. In Bradley’s last moments, we hope his thoughts are of Mack.

Evisceration Means Respiration

You can’t just just walk up and stick your teeth in a vein. You’ll have to take him somewhere to properly drain. Hide behind his car, and when he shows up, pounce. Slice his throat to subdue him, but don’t waste an ounce! That blood is quite precious, so slurp up what you can, slap on a bandage, and then toss him in the van.

Fair Play To A Clear Airway

Aware of his gifts, our boss approached his dear lawyer in the tastefully decorated Bunny Ears foyer. “I’ve been offered the role of Ant-Man in an upcoming production, but I can’t do it if I can’t shake this bronchial obstruction.”

“Sorry, Mack, I’m quite busy, no time to give blood!” And so he rushed off, and Mack lost the role to Paul Rudd. Mack told us the tale of this treacherous traitor, and our collective desire for revenge had never been greater. That’s why we are sharing this and helping your plans. (Though we don’t want to have Bradley’s blood on our hands!)

Images: Pexels

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