I Didn’t Vaccinate My Kid Because You Know Who Loves Needles? Junkies
One taste of that needle now, and they’ll be hooked for life.
The Bad Dudes Are Really Good Dudes, And They’re My Uncles
I don’t know why everybody called my uncles “Bad Dudes,” because they were good dudes. More than good. Probably the best people I’ll ever know.
7 Hot Jackets You Can Tie Around Your Neck Like A Cape
Congrats, you’re a superhero now. Off to save the day!
Winter Project: How To Gussy Up Your Favorite Glory Hole!
Is the hole in the wall of a public bathroom through which you do unspeakable things starting to look a bit rundown? Then you need an extreme glory hole makeover, buddy.
Get That Look: Grimace
Use this guide, and everywhere you go, people will think that you’re the real Grimace!
Did Collective Soul Actually Exist?
Hey, remember Collective Soul, that mildly agreeable rock band from the ’90s? It’s weird if you do, because as it turns out, it never existed.
Every Culkin Brother Ranked (By Macaulay Culkin)
Finally, we know which Culkin is best and which is worst. And who has more authority to speak on the subject than Macaulay Culkin himself?
Glasses You’ll Look Hot In Provided You Are Already Hot
Want to look hot? Get a pair of glasses They’ll make you look hot. Especially if you’re already hot.
Bunny Ears Exclusive: Sgt. Slaughter Tells All!
Remember the military guy from the ’80s heyday of the WWF? He’s radically different out of the ring…emphasis on “radical.”
Exclusive: A Rebuttal from Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong
Nearly 30 years later, the subject of the Spin Doctors’ memorable hit gives HER side of the story.
Fuck Your Tree The Way It Deserves To Be Fucked This Arbor Day
Show your tree how much you love it…physically.
Travel Guide: Under The Sea
The ocean is terrible and full of scary fish and fish-monsters. Why do you want to go there? What’s wrong with you?
Things To Do With The Scarabs That Keep Crawling Out Of Your Mouth
Stop spitting them into the garbage and do something useful with those beetles that emerge from your mouth for inscrutable reasons.
Vince McMahon’s Post-XFL Forays Into Other Sports
After the XFL tanked in 2001, Vince McMahon tried to WWE-ify other sports. Really. He really did.
Hot Fashion Trend: Wearing Your Parents’ Underwear
Your mom’s sensible beige bra is going to look soooo good on you.
Spring Scents That Will Drive Him Deep Into A Depressive Episode
Ladies, these spring perfumes will strongly remember him of springs from long ago AND send him into a downward spiral over deep feelings of loss.
You’ll Never Guess The Secret Ingredient In My Leprechaun Blood Cleanse!
Hint: It’s not Lucky Charms.
Why We Had A Water Birth At The City Swimming Pool
It’s so much healthier to bring your baby into the world with a water birth. And it costs next to nothing to do it down at the local pool!
All The Things We Love About The Royal Throuple
It’s so weird that most of us were scandalized when Prince William and Princess Kate decided to take on a third party into their marriage.
Choose Circumcision! We Need To Keep Appeasing The Foreskin Wizard
Whatever you think you know is really just the tip.
The Realm of The Piss Demon And Other Dirtiest Places In Your Home
The toilet is where the pee-pee and poops leave your body,
Stop Body Shaming And Accept Yourself As You Are, Unless You’re James
Hey James, fuck you you disgusting shit. Everyone else, please learn to accept your body as it is!
The Beginner’s Guide To England’s Regional Butthole Slang
Welcome to The Beginner’s Guide, our recurring series where our experts provide everything you need to know about your new endeavor, regardless of what it is. This week, we’ll be taking you through: The Beginner’s Guide To England’s Regional Butthole Slang The United Kingdom is a very small country, but it’s such an old country […]
I Cured My Body Image Issues By Smashing All The Mirrors In My Town
I’ve never been what one would call “conventionally attractive.” I’ve struggled with my weight since I was a kid, and I’m below average, height-wise. Mean classmates (and my parents) called me Grimace. My body image issues got so bad that I loathed and feared looking in the bathroom mirror each day. But I’m proud to say […]
What To Do When You’re Ready To Be Reclaimed By The Sea
It’s a scientific fact that humankind evolved from an ancient ancestor that crawled out of the ocean and onto the shore. It’s also a known fact that all men (and women!) must return to the sea one day and once more live among the fish and dolphins. Traditionally, most people have waited until their seventies or eighties […]
DIY: Your Own Emergency Replacement Organs!
There are few more frightening, serious, and expensive predicaments in life than suddenly needing an organ replacement. Not only do you get to feel like garbage for the months or even years you’re on a waiting list for a new one, but you get the pleasure of a $150,000 hospital bill upon transplant. There’s got to […]
Re-Healthify Your Penis By Cramming It In These Kitchen Gadgets
Hey, you, with the penis. Be honest. Does your penis not work so good anymore? It happens. Stress, medical problems, overuse, and aging take their toll and weaken your love tackle, but there are measures you can take to revive the ol’ pants meat. I’m not talking about pumps or pills—that’s Big Pharma hooey. You […]
Planning the Perfect Ritualistic Maypole Party
If you’re gonna sacrifice a virgin, you better sacrifice a virgin the right way.
How To Tell People You Have Herpes: With A Fresh and Fun ‘Herpes Reveal Party’
Acquiring oral herpes is one of the most exciting periods in life, and one of the most thrilling moments in this very special journey is sharing the good news with your family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors. People used to just find out they had herpes at the doctor, and that was it. Over the past few […]
Travel Guide: The Car Trunk You’re Locked In
There’s a whole world of fun back there to enjoy while the goons drive you to the murder spot.
Travel Guide: A Creepy Chocolate Factory For Which You’ve Won A Tour
Read this guide / when you slide / to a world of fear and trepidation.
I Ate This One Thing Every Morning And It Changed My Life
To feel truly different, you’re going to have to make some real life alterations so that you don’t fall back into your old habits. I completely changed my life by eating the same unlikely thing every morning. And that thing is a box of thumbtacks.