Travel Guide: The Car Trunk You’re Locked In
You knew it would come to this. You never should have gone into business with Anthony “The Big Man” DeRosario and his crime family, and you certainly shouldn’t have tried to resell the drugs you were only supposed to deliver. Had you made different choices, you might have moved up a rung in the DeRosario syndicate and not into the trunk of a Cadillac currently being driven by a man who goes by the name “Scar” despite having no obvious scars. It’ll only be a few minutes now before you and Scar arrive at the reservoir, but just because your doom is assured doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy yourself. Let’s explore that car trunk from which you cannot escape!
What’s the item most commonly found in car trunks? All car trunks, not just trunks of cars driven by crime family goons named Scar, because in that case, the answer would be “double-crossers.” That’s right: It’s tire-changing equipment. It’s important to be prepared, which is why many drivers pack a spare tire and a jack. You’re in luck, because Scar is a self-sufficient guy. Take a nice look at that car jack. It’s clearly been used once or twice. And that spare tire—that’s no cheap doughnut. He’s got a full-size with the treads still on it. Very nice.
Lick It Up
This trunk isn’t totally clean, as you’ve noticed. You’re sharing real estate with a bag of garbage. It’s obviously a bag of car trash: a plastic, disposable shopping bag full of fast food wrappers, empty gummy bear bags, a coffee cup or two, and an empty Altoids container. If you’re hungry, there are some uneaten fries in that trash bag and some American cheese bits stuck to the wrappers. Actually, you might want to eat whatever you can grab, because this is your last meal.
It’s kind of dark in there, which makes it hard to see what you’re dealing with. You’ll be relying on your other senses, like hearing, smell, and touch during these last few minutes before your gangland-style execution. Your ears tell you that Scar is listening to Pantera in the main cabin, while your nose and face let you know that a can of motor oil has spilled, and it’s getting all over your face and seeping into your nostril. Hey, it might be an old, classic can of motor oil. Those are really valuable, and a lot of people collect them. Doesn’t your dad have some old cans of motor oil? He’d love to hear about this one! I mean, you’ll never get to tell him about it because you’re about to die, but still, he’d find it quite interesting.
No Bones About It
Yes, those pointy things are the bones of a guy Scar “took out” a few months ago and forgot to bury. Looks like you’re going to have a “roommate” at the reservoir.
Sometimes, car trunks have an emergency release latch. It’s essentially a handle that opens the trunk from the inside. That’s useful if a curious child gets locked inside or a grown man crosses his local crime boss. It’s a standard feature on cars manufactured after 2014. You’re inside of a 2010 Cadillac, so you’re probably out of luck, but you might as well look for one. What else have you got to do? Tie up loose ends and make amends with the family you’re leaving behind?
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…