If Data Is So ‘Fully Functional,’ Why Won’t He Eat My Ass?

December 16, 2019 by , featured in Butt Stuff, Pop Culture
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We all know Data, the steady second-in-command on Star Trek: The Next Generation. With an ultimate storage capacity of 100,000 terabytes and a total linear computational speed of 60 trillion operations per second, he is quite possibly the smartest artificial intelligence ever created. So, it begs the question, why won’t he eat my ass?

After all, he’s been billed as “fully functional” in the sex department—a sophisticated android programmed in multiple techniques of pleasuring. I don’t know what Dr. Noonien Soong considered “fully functional” when he created this synthetic life form, but in my book, if it ain’t munching my butt, it can’t claim to be a complete lover. It gives me no pleasure to admit that I’ve given this randy robot plenty of opportunity to mack on my crack, but no matter how hard I hinted, the lieutenant commander always drew the line at licking my behind. What gives?

Why Won’t Data Eat My Booty Like a Bag of Hot Cheetos?

At first, I thought he might have been programmed prior to the beginning of the butt-munching fad, but that doesn’t make sense. Ass play was around long before it became de rigueur. I thought maybe he just thought it was gross, but is it even possible for a synthetic life form with no actual emotions to somehow be repulsed by the site of my star anise?

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There’s no way to know, because as much as I’ve asked the boy-bot to go to town on my ground round, he won’t even talk about it. There’s always some red alert or damn coolant leak that springs up the minute my dookie shoot comes out to play.

Oh, well. It’s his loss. He’ll never understand why the place where many men have gone before keeps them coming back.

Image: Unsplash, CBS


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