bunnyears

…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…

A Psychic Helped Me Unleash My Inner Power, But Keeps Spoiling “WWE RAW” For Me

WWE Raw

Everything was so hazy at first…

In the distance, I saw myself in a board meeting, and I was CEO, my eyes glowing with pride. Shadows parted way, and I suddenly saw myself on a date with a perfect 10, confident, stylish, leaning in for a first kiss. But the fog returned, and when it cleared, I was in a WWE ring, counting to three as Jeff Hardy won the U.S. Championship from Jinder Mahal in the Superstar Shake-up.

My first encounter with Madame Ursula at her private residence above Hot Shotz Lazer Tag and Fun Center was life-changing in many ways. My usual, ever-present anxiety instantly seemed to dissipate, replaced by a warm, comforting feeling in my chest. Likewise, my body felt limber and strong. But I still didn’t know why exactly I saw a major title-change that had never happened…at least, not yet.

However, Madame Ursula’s powers truly hit me the following night when my vision of Hardy’s victory came to fruition. It was then that I learned the price of enlightenment was not her standard $200-per-session fee, but the burden of spoiling my only source of unadulterated happiness on this Earth: WWE Raw.

wrestling

Failed by “health experts,” “healing crystals,” and “spiritual advisors,” I felt as if Madame Ursula’s brand of rejuvenation was the only path left on my quest for inner peace. So, begrudgingly, I returned to her crystal ball, but under one condition: no more Raw spoilers. I even said I’d accept spoilers for WWE Smackdown or 205 Live, but alas, she told me, “That’s not how this works.”

The next thing I knew, I saw myself getting down on one knee, proposing to the woman in my previous vision. The clouds swirled around me again, revealing me holding my future firstborn. But then, it all went dark, and an all-too-familiar phrase stopped me in my tracks: “Ladies and Gentlemen… Elias…”

Before I knew it, Roman Reigns and Jinder Mahal were fighting; Seth Rollins was hitting dudes with a chair like a straight-up heel, and then Elias returned to smash Rollins with a guitar. How could this be happening?

I awoke shortly after and tried to forget what I had seen. And, as the days progressed, my life started to get significantly better. I felt easier in my own skin, my social skills improved, and it seemed like I was really turning heads with my work at the office. Unfortunately, I sat down to watch the latest episode of Raw, and it was exactly as I had seen. Hell, I didn’t even get the good stuff ruined for me, like that weird Braun Strowman/Finn Balor feud that’s basically IRL Looney Tunes.

Is this the curse I must live with to finally attain inner-light?

On the one hand, I had never felt more focused and driven in my life, with my inhibitions torn asunder in my voyage into the untold recesses of my mind. On the other hand, could I truly live without my favorite brand of sports-related entertainment? How can I expect myself to live happily ever after knowing that every pinfall, every Dusty finish, and every swerve would be ruined for me, week in and week out? Would the WWE Universe forgive me? Would I be able to forgive myself?

Although the rewards of my sessions with Madame Ursula have been many, including winning lottery numbers, a healthier sex life, and the combination to the third-floor private break room, my secrets weigh heavily on my mind. I now feel like a modern-day Icarus, flying too close to the sun as I see Bo Dallas and Curtis Axel winning the tag team battle royale to become the number one contenders in the WWE Tag Team Championships. I plummet back to a cruel, unforgiving Earth.

Images: Anton/Flickr/Pixabay

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