Boost Office Morale By Lying Right To Their Stupid Faces
Looking to boost office morale? We’ve found a way to lift your employees’ spirits and motivate them more than ever: Just lie to those gullible idiots! Is intentionally misinforming those who work under you unethical? It sure is. But so are the wages you offer, and that’s never stopped you.
Offer “Paid Vacations”
Have little monthly contests where the winner will receive a “paid vacation.” Where will they go? To the local deli to pick up your lunch. They’re doing it while on the clock, so they’re getting paid. Plus, the deli’s three blocks away, so they’re technically traveling. That’s not even a full-fledged lie. If they’re disappointed, that’s on them.
Promise many, if not all, of your employees end-of-year bonuses. However, be vague, and instead of cash bonuses, hand out expired Bed Bath & Beyond coupons at Christmas. If they give you any lip, explain to them how difficult it was to find those, considering how BB&B coupons are never supposed to expire.
Tell Them They’re Appreciated
Sometimes your employees don’t even need monetary encouragement. All they want is their humanity acknowledged and the most basic of verbal validation for the agonizing labor they give you.
Telling them you appreciate them is the easiest lie of all because it’s absolutely free! Let them know they’re “valued” and “a part of the family.” This is again technically true, as they are valued at $46.99 each by the insurance company should another acid leak occur. And also, dogs are “part of the family.” And like a dog, the second they cease to be loyal, they will be replaced.
God bless America!