Bunny Ears Staff Advice Column: HOBBIES
[EDITOR’S NOTE: Welcome to the third ever Bunny Ears advice column, where Bunny Ears staff submit questions, and other Bunny Ears staff provide answers. Neither party knew who was asking or answering their questions. Until now … ]
I have taken on so many projects and have so much to get done that I often feel overwhelmed and end up just rolling around on the floor with my cats instead of doing any work. Do you have any advice on how I can better manage my time so I can be more productive?
A – Hana Michels
Thank you for this question! I can definitely help you make better, more efficient use of your time. The best thing you can do is harness the power of these cats. Create a Rube Goldberg–style machine with lifts, traction pulleys, Lyfts®, hammers, screwdrivers (no Phillips heads!), cat-size hamster wheels, and several typewriters. This should take you about 5-10 weeks. Strap your cats into the machine. This should take you about 20-30 weeks. Heal the wounds you incurred from strapping your cats into the machine. Motivate your cats to move somehow. If this works properly, your cats should be generating half your projects for you by the year 2047!
Q – Ken Hanley
Hey Bunny Ears! How many burgers are too many burgers, and does this number apply to burger-centric holidays?
A – Luis Prada
The social acceptability of a high burger intake depends on the company you keep. Don’t let high-and-mighty burger-shamers condescend to you when you reach for your fifth Whopper. Eat burgers to your heart’s content or ’til your heart gives out, whichever comes first.
The average person’s physical burger limit falls somewhere between 2 and 10, depending on a variety of factors such as bun density, patty thickness, and topping concentration. Where you lie along that spectrum is determined by how badly you want gout.
However, on burger-centric holidays like the entire three-month span of summer, all the rules of burger decorum are thrown out and replaced by a hedonistic burger bacchanalia that might seem like a ritualistic cow genocide to an outside observer. During this time, one is encouraged to eat as many burgers as possible because, according to American folklore, each burger consumed brings us one burger closer to Heaven. Eat ’em if ya got ’em.
Q – Carolyn Burke
How can I grow my social media presence without showing too much skin?
A – Ella Gale
If you’re reluctant to show your skin on social media, try telling your skin. Bundle up in a full anorak, throw on a ski mask, press that “go live” button, and give the world a detailed lecture on the finer points of the human epidermis. It’s not just for looking good in beach photos. It’s also for keeping your organs in.
Did you know that your skin is slightly acidic? Well, you do now, and you can tell the world all about it in your new conservatively and warmly draped lecture series. Did you know the skin makes up approximately 15% of your body weight? Also, your skin hosts over 1,000 different kinds of bacteria. Go forth with your newfound social media presence, and remember not to use any visual aids.
Q – Luis Prada
I want to be more environmentally conscious, but I am incredibly lazy. The only thing I really do is recycle my bottles and cans. I haven’t even been able to do that, since the apartment building I recently moved into doesn’t have recycling bins. What can I do to better the world while putting in as little effort as possible?
A – Tom Reimann
First off, excellent question. We’re all looking for ways to reduce our own negative impact on the environment without leaving the house or, ideally, even getting out of bed. Luckily, I’ve discovered an excellent way to do just that: PostMates your recyclables. Throughout the week, collect your recyclables in a bin, bucket, urn, hollow log, giant mixing bowl—any container will do. Then simply call PostMates or a similar delivery service and have the driver carry your recyclables to the nearest recycling center.
Better yet, use PostMates to order all of your groceries that produce recyclable waste—such as Bombay gin, Red Bull, and hornet spray—and have the driver carry them directly to the recycling center, skipping delivery to your house entirely. Then, when you’re feeling up to it, go completely waste-free by relying on the renewable bounties of your own body! Urinate into a Brita filter for water, and eat your fingernails and toenails for that much-needed protein. It’s the least you can do to atone for the years of pain you’ve inflicted on Gaia with decades of Styrofoam McNuggets containers.