You’re Only Taking Yoga Classes So You Can Learn To Go Down On Yourself. Own it
Here’s a scenario: You’re in your first yoga class ever and you accidentally reveal that the only reason you’re there is so you can become limber enough to orally pleasure yourself. The class is stunned by your admission, and you’re shocked to discover that people do yoga for reasons other than orally pleasuring themselves.
No parent ever sits their child down on their knee to explain what to do in said situation, which is why I’m here to tell you that the best thing you can do is own it.
You should be able to look your yoga classmates in the eye—feeling not an ounce of shame or regret—and declare that you are here to stretch so deeply that one day, maybe even years from now, your muscles will be so pliable, your joints so loose, your vertebrae so unbound by the natural limits of human physiology, that you can go from lying on your back to vigorously pleasuring your genitals with your own mouth in seconds.
Explain to them that you are here to achieve something most only dream of. Men and women have long yearned for self-sustained oral delight, and hand-based masturbation is but an amuse-bouche compared to the buffet of the self-gratification that is technically possible.
But we stopped trying. We grew fat and complacent, and we then resorted to the uninspired land of battery-operated toys and trinkets. We ignored how each innovation was dragging us further from the connection we long-ago formed with our flesh. These “toys” may have variable speeds and pleasurable ridges, but they do not know what is truly pleasurable—but our mouths do. Our mouths can navigate the shafts and crevasses of our own privates with the familiarity of a longtime lover.
You must also appeal to them on an emotional level. Maybe some members of the class once attempted such a feat, but stopped because they felt stupid, their genitals so close yet so far, like a carrot dangling before a horse. Implore them to dig deep into their own reasons for joining this yoga class in the first place (because you know, statistically, two or three of them are there to keep that option open).
Ask them if their yoga goals are not ultimately the same as yours? To reduce stress (by going down on yourself). To reduce the risk of injury (while going down on yourself). To increase concentration (on your genitals as you go down on yourself). To better understand the connection between mind and body (by bringing the genitals closer to the mind while going down on yourself).
By doing so much yoga that you can go down on yourself, you’re gathering the loose strands of the body and closing the loop of your physical form. Rather than let energy dissipate, you are feeding it back into yourself. And thus, as you lay there with your legs over your shoulders as you go to town on your own genitalia, you have become a living symbol of wholeness, of completion. And, oh boy, will you reach completion.
If by this point they’re still not on your side, then to hell with them. If sucking your own dick or licking your own clit to full and frenzied orgasm doesn’t represent the very essence of what yoga is about then I don’t know what does. Except maybe if someone else did it for you.