Spruce Up Your Dead Uncle’s Creepy Cabin For A Cheap Summer Vacay
Are you on a budget but in need of a vacay? Go ahead and plan that skiing trip, because your uncle has an old abandoned cabin near Tahoe! Here are a few tips to get the most out of your stay at your dead uncle’s creepy cabin.
Remove The Unsettling Paintings
Your dead uncle sure has an extensive art collection! It seems he favors the Margaret Keane “big-eyed children” paintings. There’s the one of the little ballerina crying, the kid dressed as a clown and crying, and a little boy holding a kitten, both of whom are crying. Take the paintings off the walls and cover them with sheets. Make sure the paintings are completely covered, especially the eyes.
Find Out What That Noise Is
What is that noise? It’s a sort of crinkling, shuffling sound. Maybe the cabin is just old and settling? You think maybe it’s a mouse or a rat, but then there’s a few pops, cranking, and something that sounds like a sigh? Is it coming from upstairs? Once you’re upstairs, it seems quieter. Maybe it was downstairs? Oh, well, it stopped. I guess you can move on to other things. Wait, there it is again.
Locate And Incinerate All The Used Tissues
Used tissues are like lice: Once you find one, you’re going to find many more, often in places you may not expect! Check under your uncle’s bedsheets, in the drawers and cabinets, tucked between the books on the bookshelves, in the cavity of the broken piano, under the sink, inside the sink, shoved up into the faucet of the sink, and in brown paper bags in the freezer. Think of it like an Easter egg hunt! Burn them in the fireplace once you’re done. Speaking of the fireplace …
Remove The Bodies From The Chimney
You might wonder what on Earth some would-be burglar would even want inside your dead uncle’s creepy cabin, but finding answers isn’t the important thing here. It’s finding where that horrible smell is coming from. Is it strongest near the fireplace? Does opening the flue only make it worse? When you try to burn a log, does it smell a little bit like hair and bacon? You’ve got a chimney mummy on your hands, and you’ll need a broom to nudge it out!
Bury The Sex Toys
Entering your uncle’s cabin without gloves and picking up the first thing you see is a rookie mistake. “What’s this strange, oval, rubber item?” you may wonder, reaching out with inquiring fingers. Stop. Check yourself. Get a pair of thick leather gloves, tongs, and an airtight container. Do not look at the “item,” and use the tongs to place it inside of the container. Repeat several times until all the “items” are inside the container. Put the tongs into the container as well—they are ruined. Seal the container, and dig a 6-ft. hole in the backyard. Bury the container and cover with dirt. Construct a pile of rocks, or a cairn, so that you know not to tread near this area of the property. Return to the cabin, take a shower, fix yourself a mug of hot chocolate, and hum loudly, insistently, to keep your mind occupied. Then enjoy your trip! You’ve earned it.