It Turns Out Oxygen Is Just A Poison That Takes 80 Years to Kill Us
100% of people who breathe oxygen will die at some point in their life.
Confront Your Fears And Self-Doubt By Practicing Open-Eye Sneezing
Yes, your eyes WILL fly out of your head and dangle on your cheeks. But you’ll have confronted your fears in the process.
Which Classic ’80s Board Game Is Responsible For Your Anxiety Disorder?
Do you panic during surgery? Do you constantly fear getting lost in the mall?
The Most Traumatizing Public Sex Maneuvers For Innocent Bystanders
You might never be able to stay at any Marriott-affiliated hotel or resort again. But it’s worth it!
How To Discipline Your Stepson When You Were Both Class Of 2014
Being a stepmom is tough, but it can also be rewarding, like when your stepson begrudgingly says you can ride with him to your five-year high school reunion.
My Near Death Experience Taught Me I Love Work More Than My Family
I realized I was doing everything exactly right.
So Your Toddler Just Realized They’re Going To Die Someday
We’re all going to die someday, but dumb toddlers usually don’t figure that out so soon. Whoops.
My Secret Fetish: Those Gummy Sharks With The Soft, White Bellies
This is the story of my intense gummy shark fetish.
Designer Strap Ons: His Dick May Be Real, But Yours Is 9 Inches of Dior
Read on for the latest trends in dildo couture.
Breathing Exercises To Use In Case You Get Buried Alive Someday
Have you heard of alternate nostril breathing?
Biodegradable Workout Equipment You’ll Only Use Once Anyway
Want to save the planet AND keep being an unimprovable slob? Our biodegradable work-out equipment lets you finally feel good about doing nothing!
I Owe My Newfound Confidence To Therapy And Stilts (Mostly Stilts)
The secret to rebuilding my confidence was admitting that I needed help – the help of a trusted therapist and of a pair of 5-foot-tall circus stilts.
These Trendy Salads Were Recalled But Oh God We’re Gonna Eat Them Anyway
The hottest new salad proteins are hopefully maggots, because that’s definitely what’s in this trendy salad pack we bought three weeks ago!
Karaoke Songs With Long Instrumental Breaks Everyone Will Love
You’re probably used to singing the worst karaoke songs ever. If you’re one of those people who love singing songs that end too quickly, this is for you.
Great Ways To Sneak In Some Day Drinking This Mother’s Day
Drinking on Mother’s Day won’t help your partner and children truly appreciate you, but it WILL get you through another day without murder charges!
Teaching Your Kids That Goofy Loves To Fuck
It’s a conversation every parent should have with their child.
Consuming Activated Cashews Is Like Getting Railed By Mr. Peanut And We Can’t Recommend It Enough
These delicious, healthful activated cashews are so godammned good you’ll literally feel like you’re getting pounded by Mr. Peanut.
This Cannabis Yoga Class Will Get You So High You’ll Forget You’re Doing Yoga
Now that cannabis is legal in nine of the chillest states in the U.S., a few select gyms are offering cannabis yoga classes. Studies conducted at Dr. Big Dawg’s Dope Research Institute show that getting super high and doing yoga rules. We’re not going to take science’s word for it, though. I went out into […]
Turn Your Art Film Life Into A Hollywood Blockbuster!
Creative types, listen up: It might be nice doing what your heart desires, but you’ll never make any money that way. Do you really think you’re going to be able to find success with your emotional, patient lifestyle when there are so many other lifestyles willing to please everyone else in your life? It’s about […]
The Bunny Ears Guide to Living Out of Your Luxury Car
I’ve been to the bottom, man. Last night was the fourth straight evening I spent catching z’s in my vehicle. Granted, it’s happened to the best of us, especially us common folk who refuse handouts and breadcrumbs from the 1%. But it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you’ve […]
A Shopping Guide to the Cupertino Square Mall
Hey Shopaholics! I’ve just gotten back from scoping out the Cupertino Square Mall in sunny Cupertino, CA, and I’ve got some great tips for you. The Cupertino Square Mall opened in 1976, it’s three stories, and has enough space to house almost 200 retail stores. Here’s a shopping guide for any shoppers looking for a […]
I Made A Raccoon My Life Coach And I’ve Never Been Happier
Rummage through the trash of life and find your true self!
Life Lessons I Learned From The Feral Children Living In The Woods Behind My Home
As a trendsetter, you grow accustomed to learning new things in surprising places. I wouldn’t be the daring style icon I am today if I weren’t ready to adopt fashion ideas from, say, nature, or unexpected encounters with people below my income bracket, or even the various diverse cultures that my ancestors helped to oppress. […]
Recipes For Boogers Since That’s The Only Thing My Gross Kids Will Eat
At your wit’s end with your kids eating their boogers instead of your delicious homemade meals?
Grow Your Pubes Now For This Year’s Coziest Winter Blanket—Here’s How
Use your pubes as nature intended!
Mother’s Day Gift Ideas For People You’ve Accidentally Called ‘Mom’
Mother’s Day shouldn’t just be about the woman who actually gave birth to you. What’s wrong with honoring all the people you accidentally called “Mom?”
Summer Staples We Don’t Recommend You Stick Up Your Butt (This Time)
We’re saying ‘yes’ to summer and ‘no more’ to your lawsuits!