What To Do When Your Tesla Won’t Stop Hitting Black People
You just bought a shiny new Tesla after months, if not years of saving. You tell all your friends and loved ones about your latest purchase (not to mention post about it via several #GOALS-themed social media posts), and you now sit in the driver’s seat, excited to begin your new life as an eco-conscious, luxury-vehicle owner. The only problem is your Tesla won’t stop running over black people.
Do Damage Control
You probably feel pretty racist for purchasing an automobile hellbent on ethnic cleansing, but please do not feel like the villain in this situation. I purchased my Tesla a few months back and all seemed fine at first. Sure, sometimes I’d feel the car revving up at the mere sight on a person of color standing at a crosswalk. It would also mysteriously turn dangerously close to black drivers on the road. But I shrugged it off as a mere fluke and went about my day. Don’t let this be you.
If you start seeing similar warning signs, know that the car is possessed and you should trade it back in for a less racist vehicle, like a Toyota or something.
Cleanse The Racism From The Car
If, like me, you ignored those initial warning signs, you’ll need to handle the car’s inherent racism yourself. Around this point, my Tesla was regularly playing Fox News on the radio and showing me Alex Jones videos on loop. I tried tuning into more liberal stations/channels, but every time I did the car would hiss and smoke demonically. Whatever you do, don’t present facts and proper statistics to your racist Tesla. That’ll only make it turn up the volume even louder to drown you out.
What you should do is not drive your Tesla at all. Just ignore it as if it didn’t exist and start bicycling more. Keep it stowed away in your garage and try to pretend it doesn’t exist, like a racist uncle at Thanksgiving.
The Last Resort: Slaying The Beast
Unfortunately, just ignoring my Tesla didn’t work, as it started sneaking out of the house at night to commit acts of mobile white supremacy. At this point, I thought to myself, “Your Tesla is beyond saving and it must be destroyed.”
I tracked my Tesla and found it doing racist donuts around a black family in a Target parking lot. I knew what I had to do: I pulled out my black power fist medallion and a printed copy of Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” speech. I began reading, and the racist Tesla started glowing red and growling ferociously, its exhaust pipe blowing fiendish smoke as if from Hell. I pushed through the great Doctor King’s speech, and after a few minutes, the car fell silent and dark.
Then it melted into a pool of molten metal.
I’m out $75,000, but my life is now racism free (well, as racism-free as it can be given that racism is still basically all around us, all day, every day). But again, don’t feel alone if your Tesla starts quoting David Duke on its internal monitor. You too can exorcise your car if you follow these steps. Just make sure you have fantastic car insurance.