We’re Discontinuing Our Charcoal Masks Because You’re A Bunch Of Racists

April 4, 2019 by
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[NOTE: This article contains Amazon Affiliate links to certain products. If you buy stuff, we get money. But don’t use it to pretend you’re black if you’re white.]

A lot of our readership is white. The kind of white that if you held it to the Sun, you can see all the inside stuff clear as day. We’ve known this, so a lot of this is on us, but it’s mostly you. It turns out you can’t be trusted with a 12-oz. tub of pitch-black charcoal beauty mask cream to root out all the gunk in your pores, because the moment you all apply it, you start doing extremely racist caricatures of black people. Your privilege is as apparent as your skin is radiant after using our charcoal face mask.

It happens so regularly that we around the office have started to wonder if the cream itself is enchanted with some kind of racist magic that turns average people into Al Jolson. After we entertained this fanciful thought for three seconds, we realized there’s a simpler explanation: Just as the mask draws dirt and grease out of pores, so, too, does it draw out your latent racism. You can’t help yourselves. There’s just something about seeing yourself with a darker skin tone that instantly makes you sing “Mammy” or start throwing around the colloquial version of the N-word that’s okay for black people to use but definitely not for you.

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Nope. We’re not giving racist white girls the attention they want.

The most perplexing part of all this is that once you put on the face mask and instinctively slip into your racist caricature of choice, all of you then post the evidence on social media with the confidence of people who have never suffered a negative consequence in their lives. Considering the affluent status and skin tones of our readership, we find it difficult to believe that none of you haven’t already gotten in trouble for wearing blackface. The odds are pretty good that at least 50 of you have posted a picture of yourself with a face slathered in some brown substance and covered your teeth with aluminum foil because your Halloween costume that year was “a rapper.” Not even a specific rapper; just the general racist caricature of “a rapper.” We’ve seen you do it on our social media pages around Halloween. You all have more pride in your racist D.I.Y. costumes than you have shame for what you’ve done.

The worst part of it all comes at the end of the videos you post. A shocking number of you peel the masks off in one big chunk, and as you’re doing it, you assure the viewer that they don’t have to be afraid because you’ve been white this whole time. Not only are you assuming the viewer wasn’t smart enough to figure that out themselves, given all the privilege flying around on screen, you’re projecting your fear of people of color onto them. As you peel away our charcoal mask to reveal a stunning face free of blackheads and blemishes, you also peel away any lingering doubts as to whether or not you’re a full-blown racist.

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Going into this, we knew our audience was going to be composed primarily of self-absorbed, upper-crust folks who think having a dozen unwatched episodes of Black-ish on their DVRs qualifies them as “woke,” but we never anticipated that you would be so resourceful with the ways you would express your inherent racial biases. A lot of you just said “thank you” to your phones, thinking that was a compliment. It was not.

We loved our charcoal mask and hate that you’re making us discontinue it. As good as it was, we want no part of your beautifying blackface Instagram minstrel routines. We hope your pores expand wide enough to swallow you whole. The only face mask you deserve is Hannibal Lecter’s. The only time your skin should be radiant is when you’re being thrown directly into the sun. You sicken us.

Images: Pixabay, Amazon


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