Incorporating Deadly Mind Games Into Your Baby’s Gender Reveal Party

June 15, 2022 by , featured in Health
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An ancient and terrifying power lurks inside you… congratulations, you are about to give birth to a baby! Now you must announce the coming of your child to the world, so that all inhabitants of earth may prepare themselves for your spawn’s unbridled potential. And what better way to do that than a gender reveal party, so that your friends and family know whether to buy toy trucks and blue things for the boy, or dolls and books about the importance of obsequiousness for the girl.

You must make certain that your gender reveal party goes beyond the mundanity of an “it’s a boy!” balloon. This is amateur. Cutting into a cake to reveal pink or blue filling? Yawnsville. You should make your guests work for the privilege of knowing your baby’s gender.

Your friends and family arrive at your house, to the sight of pink and blue balloons. Offer everyone mimosas. Make sure to use freshly squeezed orange juice, and decorate the glasses with little pink and blue umbrellas. Here is the first surprise for your party-goers: the mimosas are drugged. Load your unconscious guests into a van, then drive to the abandoned warehouse and site of the real party.

They awake groggily, to a lone television set in the middle of a dank room. For added ambiance, set up a few fog machines and strobe lights. The television suddenly sparks to life, with a prerecorded video. In the video, you will explain that the time has come for your guests to learn the gender of your baby, but they must survive a series of trials in order to reach the answer. The first trial is escaping the decorative pink and blue duct-tape securing their hands behind their chairs. A cake sits within mouth-reach. They haven’t eaten for hours. Inside is a pair of scissors your guests can use to free themselves. Also inside are thumb tacks and razor blades. This first task will immediately filter out the easily discouraged and unambitious. These people do not deserve to know your baby’s gender.

Set up the room with chain link fences that herd your guests inextricably towards the entrance of a maze. “Welcome to my little maze,” unseen speakers boom. “Can you find your way out with your mind and body intact? Beware… there are many pitfalls within these walls.” Beforehand, dig deep pits and fill them with sharp sticks. Don’t worry if the pits are too obvious from a distance, remember that those fog machines will greatly reduce visibility.

If your guests are able to clear the spike pits, (and the untamed wolverine you have allowed to roam the maze,) then present them with some more mentally challenging puzzles. There is a door that can only be opened with a key. Inform them the key is lodged behind someone’s eye. Provide them with an ice cream scoop. Test the limits of human cruelty. Reveal that the key was under the flowerpot the whole time. If they can still live with themselves, they may proceed past the door.

Behind the door is confetti and balloons! Music plays! They have bested the maze! A tray of fresh, new mimosas sits tantalizingly before them, a welcome drink after the challenges they have endured, and the friends they have lost.

This is a trap. Yet again the mimosas are drugged – laced with a powerful, debilitating laxative. Those canny enough to resist temptation and remain skeptical of an all-to-easy triumph may continue through the maze, to the Penultimate Room.

Once entering the Penultimate Room, the door locks behind them. The walls are covered in a message, written in red: “ONLY ONE MAY LEAVE.” There is a barrel in the room, and it is full of Wiffle bats.

When a victor emerges, the final door will open. The room is illuminated by a single lamp, which casts light upon a table and chair. Resting on the table is a glass of water, and two small plastic cups: one holds a blue pill, the other a pink pill. A beautifully embossed card explains the rules: the pill representing the child’s gender is a harmless sugar pill. The incorrect pill is cyanide. Only someone willing to leave their life in the tender hands of chance is deserving of the sacred gift of knowledge. (Fun bonus: You can poison both pills to teach your guest that gender is a construct as they die.)

Even if they don’t complete the maze, treat your surviving guests to “At Least You Tried” cupcakes! Reassure them that the frosting is made only of red velvet and delicious cream cheese, but don’t be surprised if they are now timid, for they have suffered so much while seeking the secret of your child’s gender. The gender reveal maze has really changed them forever at this point and they will never truly leave the maze.

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