Horoscope: Which Type Of Flu Will Kill You When The Pandemic Hits?
With overpopulation, global travel, and not one, but several strains of drug-resistant superbugs already taking hold, it’s safe to say that you and everyone you know will die in a pandemic (soon). And if modern history has taught us anything, this pandemic will likely come in the form of classic influenza. But will you die of swine, avian, or H5N1? (Because it’s looking like they’ll all hit around the same time.) Read on to find which strain of flu will take you out—based on your star sign!
Aries – H5N1. Modern medicine tells us that H5N1 is a relatively innocuous strain of flu because it can’t spread from human to human. That is until it happens to you. No one will quite know how or where you contracted the virus, but epidemiologists will know you spread the shit out of it to everyone at that potluck somehow. You’re kind of like Typhoid Mary, except she didn’t die, and you definitely will.
Taurus – Also H5N1. Unfortunately, Taurus, you too will fall victim to H5N1. You’ll see Aries get his hands all up in that peppercorn ranch dip at the potluck, but you’ll go for it anyways because you’re trying to “let loose more.” It ultimately costs you your life.
Gemini – Avian. The CDC says that avian flu infection happens when a person breathes the virus in, or, “when a person touches something that has virus on it then touches their mouth, eyes, or nose.” You do that second one, you filthy, dead-bird-touching son of a bitch.
Cancer – Swine. Man oh man, this one won’t be pretty (it’ll kind of feel like the regular flu, but on a thousand steroids). You won’t even know what hit you, and you’ll be dead before you can even say, “Mass human extinction is probably best for the planet anyway.”
Leo – Good news! You don’t die of the flu. However, you won’t make it long after society collapses and humans are forced to form new, localized communities for survival and protection. You’re just too soft.
Virgo – Like Leo, you also won’t die in the first wave, and will actually thrive for several years in your new traveling village. Unfortunately, you’ll eventually die of a tooth infection. Because that’s the kind of shit that happens now.
Libra – Swine. Looks like you’ll be overcome by swine flu about six weeks into the first global sweep. The good news is, after everything you’ll have seen, you’ll be both ready and begging for death.
Scorpio- H5N1 – Wow this strain is strong. Just so strong.
Sagittarius – Natural Causes. You live a long, healthy life Post-Collapse. Not only are you immune to all strains, but you soon forget what life was like in the Before Times. You tell your children, and your children’s children, distant memories of far-off things like hot showers, cell phones, and airplanes. You die peacefully in your sleep. Also, you’re a Blood Lord (that will make sense when the time comes).
Capricorn – General Marauding Incident. After the worst of the mass deaths are over, things get real bad for a while (like, real bad). While you won’t die of disease, you’ll wish you had when the Northern Tribe finds your hamlet.
Aquarius – Flu-Related Ritualistic Sacrifice. One of the few humans who will contract Avian flu and survive, you’ll be worshiped as a god in the new world (then, ironically, killed in a worship ceremony, because that’s what they do to gods now).
Pisces – None of the above. Funny enough, you’ll die before any major strain of flu hits. So that’s like, real soon.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…