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…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
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…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
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…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
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…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
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…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
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…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
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…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…

Horoscope: Which Type Of Flu Will Kill You When The Pandemic Hits?

With overpopulation, global travel, and not one, but several strains of drug-resistant superbugs already taking hold, it’s safe to say that you and everyone you know will die in a pandemic (soon). And if modern history has taught us anything, this pandemic will likely come in the form of classic influenza. But will you die of swine, avian, or H5N1? (Because it’s looking like they’ll all hit around the same time.) Read on to find which strain of flu will take you out—based on your star sign!

Aries – H5N1. Modern medicine tells us that H5N1 is a relatively innocuous strain of flu because it can’t spread from human to human. That is until it happens to you. No one will quite know how or where you contracted the virus, but epidemiologists will know you spread the shit out of it to everyone at that potluck somehow. You’re kind of like Typhoid Mary, except she didn’t die, and you definitely will.

Taurus – Also H5N1. Unfortunately, Taurus, you too will fall victim to H5N1. You’ll see Aries get his hands all up in that peppercorn ranch dip at the potluck, but you’ll go for it anyways because you’re trying to “let loose more.” It ultimately costs you your life.

Gemini – Avian. The CDC says that avian flu infection happens when a person breathes the virus in, or, “when a person touches something that has virus on it then touches their mouth, eyes, or nose.” You do that second one, you filthy, dead-bird-touching son of a bitch.

Cancer – Swine. Man oh man, this one won’t be pretty (it’ll kind of feel like the regular flu, but on a thousand steroids). You won’t even know what hit you, and you’ll be dead before you can even say, “Mass human extinction is probably best for the planet anyway.”

Leo – Good news! You don’t die of the flu. However, you won’t make it long after society collapses and humans are forced to form new, localized communities for survival and protection. You’re just too soft.

Virgo – Like Leo, you also won’t die in the first wave, and will actually thrive for several years in your new traveling village. Unfortunately, you’ll eventually die of a tooth infection. Because that’s the kind of shit that happens now.

Libra – Swine. Looks like you’ll be overcome by swine flu about six weeks into the first global sweep. The good news is, after everything you’ll have seen, you’ll be both ready and begging for death.

Scorpio- H5N1 – Wow this strain is strong. Just so strong.

Sagittarius – Natural Causes. You live a long, healthy life Post-Collapse. Not only are you immune to all strains, but you soon forget what life was like in the Before Times. You tell your children, and your children’s children, distant memories of far-off things like hot showers, cell phones, and airplanes. You die peacefully in your sleep. Also, you’re a Blood Lord (that will make sense when the time comes).

Capricorn – General Marauding Incident. After the worst of the mass deaths are over, things get real bad for a while (like, real bad). While you won’t die of disease, you’ll wish you had when the Northern Tribe finds your hamlet.

Aquarius – Flu-Related Ritualistic Sacrifice. One of the few humans who will contract Avian flu and survive, you’ll be worshiped as a god in the new world (then, ironically, killed in a worship ceremony, because that’s what they do to gods now).

PiscesNone of the above. Funny enough, you’ll die before any major strain of flu hits. So that’s like, real soon.

Images: Pexels, Pixabay, Pixabay

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