How To Resist The Temptation To Fart On The Cake
Imagine a humble baker; a man, doing his absolute best to make a living for himself and his family; slavishly hauling 40 lb bags of flour up a narrow basement staircase; mixing a base and pouring it into three separate pans; diligently checking its progress in the oven; burning his hand as he takes them out; frosting the cake with the care of a sculptor—and finally, adding decorative-yet-detail-rich floral accoutrements to this, his most perfect cake. And then you fart on it. You fart on the cake.
Such dominance! Such power! There is no way an objective observer could look at that situation and think you are a less important person than the baker whose cake you just farted on. But you have to do your best to not fart on the cake. Here’s how:
Think of How You’ll Feel in the Morning
Yes, it would feel both relaxing and empowering to squat over a beautiful, perfectly-iced baked good and let a fat fart rip. But you know how that story ends. You wake up the next day knowing your friends and relatives are disgusted and ashamed of you, and you spend the day telling each of them, individually, how sorry you are for farting on that beautiful cake. That will take a very long time, and will keep you from doing anything else that day, such as beat-boxing on the metro for tips.
Take It One Farting on a Cake-Free Day At a Time
Remember, all you have to do is not fart on a cake in this moment. We only have control of our sphincter today, now. Hopefully, going multiple days without farting on a cake will help you stay fart-free at your next wedding or quinceañera, not only because you’ll want to maintain your clean streak, but also because a fart held in that long could come out with the power and fury of a roundhouse kick.
Bring Your Own Cupcakes for Farting On
Some days, you’re just not going to be able to not fart on a cake, and that’s okay. Prepare for those days by whipping up a batch of cute little cupcakes with pink frosting and your favorite sprinkles, and quietly fart on them in the garage.
Speak to At-Risk Youth
They say the best way to help yourself is to help others, and speaking to children most likely to fart on cakes (YouTube pranksters, high-schoolers in charge of restocking the cake pops at Starbucks, etc.) is a great way to articulate your own reasons for not farting on a cake—and keeps you accountable.