Jerry Lawler’s Guide To Being Old AF During Spring Break
Every year, thousands of college co-eds converge upon the hottest, sexiest beaches for a week of fun and excitement to get away from university drudgery and party like rockstars. There is one demographic however, that is constantly overlooked when discussing Spring break shenanigans and debauchery. The Man Who is Old AF. We’ve all seen him. The grey fox who is just sitting on a beach chair, chest hairs prominent. Slim gold chain with a pendant attached and shorts that are both too small and out of style. As kids, we used to either ignore them or shake our heads and laugh. The reason is, we thought to ourselves, “there is no way in the world that this dude is getting any butt whatsoever.” The reality is guys, we will all end up there someday, and we have to learn how to survive in the Spring Break environment. Thankfully, I have been studying one man who seems to have no problem working the spring break scene while being older than your great-grandmother’s, grandfather’s cousin. That man is “The King” Jerry Lawler.
Your Chariot Awaits
First things first: you need to get to the beach. Most youngsters go the traditional method of reaching the destination – air travel. That’s not the answer when you’re old AF though. When you get to be Jerry’s age, you don’t fly. You get a van. When you arrive at the beach, make sure you park the van next to a Port-a-Potty. Not only will you have the quickest path to relief but you’re guaranteed to meet every girl with a small bladder in at .01 mile radius. Not to mention the fact that you can have some extra spending cash since your van is also your hotel room.
Fist-Drop The Let-Out
The real fun during spring break starts after sundown. The nightclubs are the go-to hot spot for Spring break travelers and nightlife lovers alike. To win spring break like Jerry Lawler though, you have to play the nightclub right. And the best way to do that is to NOT go. You are old AF remember. And being the old man in the club is about as sexy as a woman with green nipples. But what is sexy is sitting outside of the club, giving women all-access passes to the after party – your van. Jerry always uses the club to let out to his advantage. His mantra, “what goes in, always has to come out.” So get a beach chair and relax until a few minutes before last call. When the lights come up, grab a pair of sunglasses, open up the ol’ linen shirt, and let the peeps know that the club may be closed but the fun has just started. Be prepared to have a very, very low conversion rate but that’s ok. Remember, you only need one queen, to treat you like the King you are.
A Regal Feast
After a successful night during spring break, most probably sleep in and miss breakfast. This is when Jerry shines. Being old AF, sleeping past 6:30 AM isn’t an option. Jerry turned this “curse” into a “gift.” He avoids breakfast lines by simply being the first person there. So he doesn’t have to worry about sausage links or biscuits being sold out. He has his way with the buffet. Then after he is food satisfied, he can pop some Pepsid, take a nap, and get ready for the beach festivities. Or he can get tight with the stragglers who haven’t gone to bed yet in exchange for some of the potato rolls he hoarded from the buffet.
Always Be Ready For A Hart Attack
The Jerry Lawler spring break gem: “A spring break isn’t a spring break without a heart attack.” He is convinced that the best times in life come with at least one heart attack and a defibrillator shock. So he not only rolls into choice spring break destinations with a personal defibrillator, but he also has a morning elixir. A choice mixture of Old Spice deodorant, a strand of Farrah Fawcett’s hair, and moonshine guarantees when he has a heart attack, he’ll survive to rage another day. Now, that’s how you party like a WWE rockstar who is old AF.