I Used A Babypod And Now My Baby Looks Just Like The Lead Singer Of Smash Mouth And It’s Definitely Because Of The Babypod And For No Other Reason

Dear Babypod,

I would like to file a complaint about your product. When I first heard about your speaker, which I could easily insert into my vagina and use to play music for my baby, I was very excited. This device was perfect for introducing my baby to my favorite band, Smash Mouth. At least four hours a day, every day for the entirety of my pregnancy, I played Smash Mouth on a loop straight into my vagina.

I also used the speaker to talk to my baby, mostly about how awesome Smash Mouth is. Sometimes I would invite all of my friends over and have them sing Smash Mouth karaoke right into my vag.

I did all of this in the hopes that my baby would share my love of Smash Mouth. At the very least, I hoped that it might be born an all-star.

Instead, what has happened is most unexpected. It would appear that your product manipulated my baby’s genetic code. My baby looks exactly like Steve Harwell, the lead singer of Smash Mouth, and it is definitely because of your product because there isn’t another possible explanation.

My friend Hailey has a similar problem. She loves Smash Mouth almost as much as I do. In fact, we met a little less than a year ago when we were both following Smash Mouth on tour. I encouraged her to buy your product and use it as vigorously as I did. When I told her how easy it was to cram this speaker into her vagina for her baby’s enjoyment, she was thrilled! Then her baby came out looking like Smash Mouth bassist Paul De Lisle. How could you let this happen?

When I went to the testimonial section of your website, it was all just screaming, and I think I know why. This is unacceptable. My husband and I often strolled around our block with the speaker jammed in my hoo-hoo as the video on your website depicts. We used the headphone splitter to listen to the same music my baby was hearing bump through my cervix. Was it uncomfortable having a headphone cord pinch my labia? Yes, but it was worth it to make sure my baby has good taste in music.

This is too far, though! My baby was supposed to love Smash Mouth, not be Smash Mouth! I very coincidentally once had a deep and impactful friendship with Steve Harwell, so I know how hard it is to be the lead singer of Smash Mouth. I don’t want my baby to face the same challenges that Steve did growing up a scratchy-throated musical genius.

You have an entire section on your website that is just a doctor who looks very sad about all of the life decisions he has made assuring your clients that Babypod is safe. Well, I am here to tell you that it is not safe from the dulcet tones of Smash Mouth.

Sometimes people think my baby looks like Guy Fieri, and it is very embarrassing when I have to explain that no, he actually looks like Steve Harwell, which is because of all the Smash Mouth I put in my vagina while I was pregnant. Then I introduce them to my husband Craig and they always look very confused and sad.

Please correct this issue with your fine product, which is obviously otherwise perfect. My good friend Steve Harwell is also very concerned about this and may consider litigation if I keep calling him about it.

Thanks.

Images: Babypod.com, Foter.com