Your Man Worships Your Vag—Now Make Him Bow To Your Gooch

As an entitled white woman, I found that my sex life was greatly lacking in cultural appropriation. Luckily, there is an entire Indian subcontinent to serve my romantic needs. Before my spiritual awakening, I mistakenly believed that the ecosystem between my legs was simply a boring old vagina. My third eye was opened when I happened upon the ancient Hindu teachings of the “yoni.” My consciousness bloomed into a beautiful, Georgia O’Keefe flower: My vagina was not a vagina, but a yoni (the Sanskrit word for vagina).

Hopefully at this point in your spiritual quest, you have trained your man to honor, love, and potentially catch a bullet for your yoni. If not, you must purchase my book on Amazon: Eat, Pray, Kegel: Guiding Your Partner On A Journey To The Center Of Your Yoni, (and read this primer on jade eggs to work out your yoni until it’s swol as heck).

I traveled to India to find my inner goddess and met my guru: a transcendent being who once inhabited the meek body of a middle-aged white man named “Dennis.” Through mindfulness and meditation he rebirthed himself as Yogi Grundle. His teachings illuminate that every inch of a woman’s body is sacred, including the oft-neglected area between the anal portal and yoni, namely, the “gooch.”

Yogi Grundle instructs that every vein of chakra connects to the gooch, making it your body’s spiritual municipal building. This unique feature of the gooch creates a doorway to an otherworldly plane. I have not yet ascended to this plane, but Yogi Grundle says he has been there. He describes it as feeling that every cell in your body is made of glowing thread, and that thread is being woven into the fabric of the universe. As you integrate with this cosmic tapestry, your soul and gooch become one. Time flattens to an ephemeral disc, and you see yourself in the earliest stage of embryonic development: before the development of eyes, a brain, or legs; while you were still but a humble gooch floating in amniotic fluid.

Stimulating this sacred area during sex is the only path to this marvelous dimension. Instruct your sex acolyte/partner that in order for you to absorb the power of the universe and assume the shape and abilities of a demigoddess, he must use the feather of an albino ostrich to tickle your gooch. If you’re into more creative goochplay, you can incorporate fun bedroom toys. Yogi Grundle recommends ancient mystical objects that, upon coming in contact with your gooch, will imbue it with an old and terrible power. You may also want to incorporate the healing power of sand into your intimate time. Over centuries, sand has shaped beautiful coastlines, so you can bet that it can help shape your gooch.

Helping your man find the gooch may be the most challenging part of your journey. Maps of the body have been drawn with the intent of allowing one to approach the gooch safely, but this is advisable only if you are trained in the use of a sextant. Compasses and GPS devices simply do not work in the presence of the great sexuoelectromagnetic pulses that eminate from the gooch. A divining rod made from the branch of a sacred oak may be used to locate the gooch. Order your man to hold the rod loosely in his hands, allowing the gravitation of the gooch to draw the end of the rod inextricably toward it. It is very important that his grip remain relaxed in the event that the doorway to the higher plane suddenly opens, sucking in the divining rod and anyone holding onto it too tightly. Though your ultimate goal is to reach this higher plane, entering the gooch dimension without proper breathing meditation training can result in instant and extremely painful death.

Namaste, my darling, I wish you the best of luck on exploring the mystical power of your gooch with your partner. But for your own personal safety, heed these words: “If you gaze long into a gooch, the gooch also gazes into you.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

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