Yoga For Your Internal Organs; Kegals For Your Kidneys
Yoga for your internal organs. Kegals for your kidneys.
Getting in shape is hard, but staying in shape is even more difficult, especially when you are very famous. You are constantly being showered with gifts, many of them edible, while at the same time all of the regular people of the world are looking to you to be a specimen of physical superiority, because to them you are a totem of all the joy and fulfilment they will never achieve. It’s a huge responsibility!
Now, being very famous, you are also exposed to fad diets, super foods, and hot new workout routines all the time, and while we can say with certainty that 98% of them are completely legitimate and backed by hard anecdotal evidence, it can be difficult to decide which ones are the best for you. After all, you can’t be on every diet! (Trust us!) Luckily, we’ve found the most exciting new exercise regimen, and the good news is you can start right away with all of the yoga materials you already own! (Note – if you do not own yoga materials i.e. a mat and pants, please close your browser and return this computer to whatever famous person you borrowed it from.) It’s called Internal Yoga, or Yog-In, or Yogal. The branding is in its infancy, but if you know anything about yoga or organs, you can see the potential radiating off it in hot yoga waves.
It may sound complicated, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. To start blasting your inner flesh pouches into powerful sacks of perfection that could be featured on the covers of both Shape and Fitness, and future organ-centric magazines that will undoubtedly be created once internal yoga catches fire, all you have to do is lie down on your yoga mat and visualize your organs performing incredible feats of strength and athleticism. Want a better set of kidneys? Picture them conquering a doubles tennis tournament, and hold that image in your mind for 12-15 reps. Want a stronger heart? Imagine your ticker free climbing up a vertical cliff face, swinging its powerful crimson legs into sure footholds and clinging to the rocks with a vise-like grip. Imagine your bladder moving mountains.
The results are immediate. Actors like Ron Perlman, Ray Liotta, and Timothy Dalton are all students of internal yoga. Cate Blanchet’s appendix is now so powerful it has taken over the functions of all her other organs, and can propel her through the air like a graceful torpedo. Woody Harrelson’s lower intestine is telepathic. Gerard Butler’s lungs can crush boulders. Internal yoga works, and you’re ready for it. The best part is that it doesn’t require classes or formal instruction, which, given your busy schedule as a famous person, can often get in the way of achieving your fitness goals. You can get started right away, either on your own or by joining an internal yoga group, which, in addition to providing all of the fantastic benefits of internal yoga, can also be very meditative. But if you’re looking for a group to join, be careful to make the distinction between internal yoga groups, which are a bunch of adults in comfortable clothing lying down on mats and quietly visualizing their way to a better inner body, and adult naptime groups, which are a bunch of adults in comfortable clothing lying down on mats and sleeping.