Which Artisan-Crafted DUI is Right For You?
Nowadays, your average DUI is becoming increasingly mundane. Anyone can get caught speeding with a few fentanyl IPA patches on their arm and a desire for danger. What can you do to make sure that yours is a cut above the run-of-the-mill vodka and painkillers combo? We here at Bunny Ears want to make sure that you’re not just any random coma-zombie cruising in a metal death trap down the highway. We want you to be our specially tailored, boozed-out junkie with a death wish and a pocket full of hopes and dreams. We’ve gone through the trouble of crafting a few DUI templates for you to follow in case you’re already too dialed out for the creative part of your brain to function.
The 27 Club
Named after the famous club of rock stars who passed at the ripe age of 27, this template is all about style over narcotic substance. Just think of the glitzy obituary you’ll receive the day after! You’ll need:
- 25 pints of absinthe (170 proof)
- 1 gallon of Everclear (151 proof)
- As many bottles of Robitussin as you can purchase without alerting law enforcement
- 10 cups of glitter
- A ripped Nirvana t-shirt
- A whole starfish (still alive)
- A copy of Are You Experienced? by The Jimi Hendrix Experience
Pour everything into one of those giant orange plastic buckets from Home Depot and the longest and silliest wacky party straw you can find. Put on your party glasses, put Hendrix on at full volume, and hold onto your butt before it’s wrapped around a pole.
Is That My Own Blood-y Mary
We’re taking “going out with a bang” to the next level. This one will for sure leave a lasting impression in your mind, at least until it’s decorating the pavement. You’ll need:
- 2 oz. vodka
- 1 teaspoon celery salt
- 2 tablespoons lemon and lime juice
- 3 cups tomato juice
- 4 cups of raw gasoline
- A Ziploc bag full of gunpowder and shredded pine cones
- All of your leftover fireworks from New Year’s Eve and Fourth of July
Assemble everything into a tall glass and garnish with live fireworks. If you’re able to finish it before it explodes and horribly disfigures your face, you’ll have the wildest time of your life. Bonus points if you get pulled over for speeding and toss the fireworks in the police officer’s face as a distraction for a clean getaway.
The Distraught Soccer Mom
This one is a tribute to all of the suburban housewives who are fed up with all of the Janes and Nancys parading their perfect genetic offspring around like they’re God’s gift to everyone. After all is said and done, you’ll never be taunted again by another one of their red wine, shit-eating smiles. You’ll need:
- 2 pouches of Capri Sun
- An entire bottle of Bacardi 151
- 4 cups of THC-infused gummy bears
- Your wedding ring
- Giant beer stein converted into an adult-size sippy cup
Dump it all into your sippy cup, take a big swig, buckle up, and go for a “ride.” You might be blacked out for the next part, but just know that if you happen to have plowed into Jane’s or Nancy’s minivan en route to Trader Joe’s, Bunny Ears cannot take any responsibility for your actions.